


Forgiven Sins

by Morgan_Black



Category: the GazettE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Humor, Anxiety, Crime, Crimes & Criminals, Depression, Feelings, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Original Fiction, Other, Psychological Trauma, Threesome - M/M/M, Trauma, all the drama lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28005480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgan_Black/pseuds/Morgan_Black
Summary: The mild breeze felt refreshing against his cheek and he closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. It felt like the quality of the air was better, cleaner, and Kouyou found himself relieved if anything. The time he had spent in prison made him appreciate his newly gained freedom. It was a crisp spring day filled with hope for the future, as uncertain as it was.
Relationships: Aoi/Kai (the GazettE), Aoi/Kai/Uruha (the GazettE), Aoi/Uruha (the GazettE), Kai/Uruha (the GazettE), Uruha (the GazettE)/Other(s)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 22





	1. Fresh Air

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends! It's been ages since I wrote and posted here. I started this fic back in 2013, then rewrote the beginning in 2018, but I had to abandon it due to personal reasons. However, recently I've been feeling inspired to write again, so here we are! I will probably post once a week and space out the chapters as I'm still writing.
> 
> Please let me know what you guys think down in the comments!

The mild breeze felt refreshing against his cheek and he closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. It felt like the quality of the air was better, cleaner, and Kouyou found himself relieved if anything. The time he had spent in prison made him appreciate his newly gained freedom. It was a crisp spring day filled with hope for the future, as uncertain as it was.

“Kouyou!” he heard his name being called out and opened his eyes only to see his sister smiling widely at him as she walked over, pulling him into a hug. “You're finally free…” The relief in her body was palpable and Kouyou found himself hugging her back tightly. He had missed her a lot, even if he’d seen her while he was inside. It was just… different now. He didn’t have to worry about others listening in on his conversations.

Kouyou only smiled lightly at her and offered a quiet ‘Hey, Rie’, holding her tightly. He took in her scent and could smell the same perfume she'd been using for years. It was a gentle, fruity scent that reminded Kouyou of a light summer day. He thought how little she changed over time, except for the few extra wrinkles in the corners of her eyes. He let go and walked with her to her car, his sister smiling widely. 

“Don't worry about anything for now, just come stay with us for a few days and rest, then we'll figure everything out. The tenants should be moving out of your apartment soon, so we'll have to move your furniture back in and apply a fresh coat of paint.” she said lovingly. Kouyou appreciated how Rie was the only one truly there for him during all those years. She was definitely one of the reasons why he chose to continue living.

Once inside the car, Kouyou listened to her talk while he looked out the window. All the flowers were in bloom, a sight he truly loved and missed and was now able to enjoy again as a free man. It reminded him of how his former fiancée loved that kind of weather and he remembered the big, bright smile on her lips whenever they walked along the path in Ueno park, under the cherry trees. She was a beautiful sight to see especially in the warm light of the season.

“Kou, are you with me?” Rie’s gentle voice brought him back from his thoughts and he nodded. 

“Thanks for picking me up. I appreciate it.” he said softly and noticed the tired look on her face. 

“I'm so happy you're back with us. I really missed you. My adorable baby brother— or I should say, my handsome baby brother.” she chuckled softly. Kouyou thought that laughter suited her. She was a beautiful person both on the outside and inside and her smile could brighten up a room.

“We're only two years apart, Rie.” he smiled lightly, studying her. “But I missed you too.”

“Everyone is looking forward to seeing you again.” She said and continued chatting, telling him about everything he'd missed. It felt to Kouyou that she was more excited about his release than he was and he couldn't help but feel happy that she was still treating him like he'd always been there with her, like what he had done never happened. He watched her lovingly as she talked about nothing and everything and felt lucky to have someone believe in him. He struggled for a long time with feelings of emptiness, but being around his sister felt, well, less lonely.

The rest of the ride back into the city was quiet, with only the radio playing some Top Forty tunes, all foreign to Kouyou. He was more preoccupied with taking in the scenery, the beautiful, blooming cherry trees a stark contrast against the tall, almost ominous buildings. The city had changed not just in appearance, but the air was different and he couldn't put his thumb on what it was. It felt… hopeful, alive somehow and it made Kouyou feel that maybe he could find meaning in his own life again as well. Because after he lost Naoko, he felt like he lost his hope and happiness and… even his soul.

Kouyou snapped out of his daydreaming when his sister announced that they had arrived and he quietly nodded and got out of the car, grabbing his bag with the few belongings he owned. He stopped for a moment and looked up. Her house looked nice from the outside and in good shape and Kouyou thought it looked very similar to his childhood home. As he entered, he noticed that the inside was clean and homey and there was a faint, sweet smell wafting through the house. She took him on a tour of the house: first was the family room which was tidy, with a comfortable looking couch against one wall, facing a big tv on the opposite wall. There was also an end table next to the couch and under the tv there were a few bins filled with toys. It was probably the children’s play area as well. They had a western-style dining room, which was a little small, but cozy, and the kitchen was towards the back of the house. Upstairs were four bedrooms and the main bathroom, all painted in pale, warm colours. 

The guest room that Kouyou would stay in was simple, with a double bed, a wardrobe, and an armchair inside, all in black and creamy colours. There was some artwork on the walls, but other than that there was nothing special about it. He placed his bag down and turned to his sister as she spoke.

“The kids are at school and Kaoru is at work, so you have some time to rest. Are you hungry? I'll go heat something up for you. I prepared a feast for tonight to welcome you back.” He could tell she was excited he was back and had to smile lightly at that. 

“If you don't mind, I'd like to lie down for a bit. I didn't sleep well last night.” his voice was soft as he spoke. Rie nodded and left, closing the door behind her. Once he was alone, Kouyou plopped on the bed and lay down, closing his eyes.

It had been too long since he was in such a soft and comfortable bed. For the first time in ten years, he felt safe and allowed himself to fall asleep without any worries. He knew he wasn't going to wake up to someone trying to hurt him in any way, he didn't have to fear for his life anymore. Although… he realized he didn't care as much if he was alive or not. When he lost the love of his life, he lost a part of himself and the void within him could not be filled, no matter how hard he tried. He felt numb towards everything and that frustrated him to no end. He used to be a person who felt deeply and didn’t shy away from feeling his feelings. 

Once he woke up from a relatively restful sleep, it was already evening and the room was dark around him. He panicked through the haziness of his sleep that was slowly wearing off, but once he sat up and looked around, he noticed there was a window that let the soft moonlight in and he could discern a multitude of shapes outside. A gentle wind was blowing. He relaxed and got up, turning on the light and confirming he wasn't in his cell anymore. He sat back down for a few moments, resting his elbows on his knees and his face in his palms as he gathered himself. He could hear soft laughter coming from downstairs, a warm sound to his ears. Everyone was probably home now, so Kouyou thought it was time to freshen up and go downstairs. His stomach was telling him it was time to eat too.

With a quiet sigh, he left the room to freshen up, then went down, stopping at the bottom of the stairs and listened. He smiled lightly to himself when he heard his niece and nephew's voices as they played with their father, laughing and squealing. He could see into the family room from where he was, watching them for a few moments, feeling partly shy to walk in and a little guilty. Guilty for not being there when they were born, guilty for not being able to help his family when they needed him. 

“They're excited to meet you, you know.” He jumped slightly when he heard Rie’s gentle voice as she approached him from the side. She was so stealthy that he didn't even hear her walk up to him. Or maybe he was just that caught up in his thoughts? “We told them their uncle Kouyou is a really cool guy who tells amazing stories.” she said softly and smiled fondly at her family, then looked up at Kouyou. “They're too young to understand where you were, so we told them you lived abroad since before they were born in a place where it was hard to reach you.” She explained. “Come on.” Rie said and pulled him inside the family room. When he was in view, Kaoru smiled and got up, walking over to him. Kouyou bowed his head lightly, unsure how else to greet him.

“It's good to see you, old friend.” Kaoru said and pulled him in a tight hug instead, to Kouyou's surprise. He'd known Kaoru since his university years when he and his sister started dating. Kaoru hadn't changed much over the years, except for a few creases in the corners of his eyes and a somewhat tired face. Knowing him, Kaoru was probably still overworking himself. The man was a little shorter than Kouyou and sported a short hairstyle nowadays, something that would definitely make him blend in with the rest of the people who worked in an office. But his defined jaw and sharp eyes gave him an air of authority, which hid his kindness behind dark orbs.

“This is Keita and this one here is Nami.” Kaoru said as he let go of him, then picked up his daughter, who looked adorable with her round eyes, chubby face, and tiny button nose. She seemed a little timid as Kouyou watched her, hiding a little in Kaoru's arms. Keita, on the other hand, seemed to have taken an instant liking to Kouyou, clinging to his leg and looking up at him. He looked almost identical to his sister, except for the fact that he had short hair and a more mischievous look on his face. Both children looked more like their mother, but he had a feeling more of Kaoru would show as they grew up.

Kouyou watched them all and smiled softly. Before he could say something, Rie ushered the children to go wash their hands so they could all sit down for dinner. 

“How are you feeling?” Kaoru asked as he lead Kouyou to sit down at the dining table.

“Alright, I suppose. Your house is really nice and cozy.” he said in a softer voice and looked at Kaoru, who watched him warmly and shrugged. He didn't really feel like talking about himself and bring Kaoru down, so he opted for a topic change.

“We've both worked hard for this. It wasn't always easy, but we pulled through." Kaoru said and stood up, grabbing a bottle of sake and pouring a small cup for each of them while they waited for the rest of the family to join them.

“Rie told me you opened your own company.” he smiled lightly, picking up the small cup and sipping his drink.

“I do. I have an opening in the project management department if you're interested." Kaoru offered.

“I appreciate it, but we both know I'm not good at stuff like that.” he said softly, looking away as he felt a little awkward. "It's been a long time since I had a normal job."

They continued making some small talk and Kaoru brought him up to speed with what's been going on with their family and the world and all the changes the city itself went through. It felt nice being around people who cared about him. 

Soon, Rie started bringing the food in from the kitchen with Kaoru's help. The kids sat down across Kouyou, while the parents sat at each end of the table. It had been too long since he'd had something that tasted like what it was supposed to and he felt somewhat excited. He missed the taste of miso soup and his sister's chicken stew and all the smaller side dishes that Rie made.

Sitting at the table with people he cared about made him feel a bit better. He put some food on his plate and watched the family interact: the two children talking enthusiastically about school and what other activities they did during the day; the silent affection shared by Rie and Kaoru through small gestures and facial expressions and how happy they all seemed to be. Rie deserved that happiness, Kouyou thought. Rie and her family were the only important people in his life and he mentally swore to protect them at all costs.

After dinner, Kouyou offered to help clean up, but Rie didn't let him, getting Kaoru to do it while she put the children to sleep. So he waited patiently in front of the TV until they were done. 

He zoned out while waiting, thinking yet again of his beloved who passed away so tragically and how they could've had what his sister now had. He missed her deeply even now, ten, almost eleven years since she left the world of the living. His unborn child would've been around ten by now and most likely be playing with Rie's adorable twins.

He was brought back from his thoughts by a beer bottle being pressed to the side of his face and he jumped lightly, much to Kaoru’s amusement. He took it and watched the other apprehensively. 

“It's good to have you back, Kouyou.” the older man said. 

Kouyou hesitantly accepted the opened beer. He sipped it and watched him quietly for a moment. He looked different, more mature, and not as scrawny as he was when he and Rie were dating. He was glad to know his sister decided to marry him and keep him as he was a good guy and the only guy his sister dated that Kouyou approved of. She always had a thing for the bad boy type, but they brought her nothing but trouble. 

“Thank you. I admit, it feels a little weird being free.” he said softly, playing anxiously with the label on the bottle. “Rie said you guys rented out my apartment while I was… away.”

“We have.” Kaoru said. “Rie dealt with everything and she put all the money in a separate account for you.”

“Let's not talk about money.” Rie said as she joined them, sitting down next to her husband with a glass of wine in her hand. “We can talk about it tomorrow after you've had proper rest. I've prepared a hot bath for you." She smiled softly at him. Kouyou thanked her and they continued talking for a little while.

The rest of the night went by quietly. Kouyou excused himself and went to take the bath his sister had prepared for him. Compared to the lukewarm showers he had, the water felt heavenly. He closed his eyes as he sat there, relaxing. He was in there for a long time and when he was finally satisfied, he made his way quietly back to the guest room, careful not to wake the children.

He'd missed sleeping in a real bed with proper bedding and felt very lucky, promising himself he wouldn't take it for granted. He felt even luckier that his sister accepted him, despite everything. His parents disowned him not long after he was convicted and he had a feeling that the rest of his family denounced him too. He didn’t know as they never visited or wrote to him. With a deep sigh, he tried to remove those thoughts from his mind as he lay down to sleep.

He spent the following week getting accustomed to life outside prison, helping Rie with the kids and running errands for her or even Kaoru as thanks for letting him stay with them until his place was ready. He was filled with anxiety every time he left the house, every time he passed by someone on the street. Ten years prior, he had been quite famous due to his work and the fact that he was dating Japan's sweetheart, so he half expected to feel some resentment from others to this day. He chose not to find out anything about the world outside and now he regretted it a little. What if he was recognized and people gave him a hard time just like the other prisoners? He assumed it wouldn’t be violent but he just didn’t want to be approached or bothered by others.

Kouyou moved into his old apartment within two weeks. The place had to be painted and his furniture was moved back in. It felt weird being back there after so long. He wasn't sure how he felt about it or if he felt anything at all. He looked around the apartment, deep in thought: the place was spacious with the dining and living area as part of the same space; the kitchen, bathroom, and two bedrooms lined one wall, while the remaining two walls were floor to ceiling glass. There was also a balcony that wrapped around from the living room to the bedroom. It was one of those western-style buildings built in recent years, so it had more of a modern feel to it. The colours used were somewhat toned down, with a combination of dark blues and neutrals in the living area, black and silver in the bathroom, white and specks of red in the kitchen and the two bedrooms were white. Framed artwork was hung up on the wall that housed the door, while the other concrete wall held all the literary prizes he won since he started writing. Rie had insisted on having them displayed.

“Are you alright, Kou?” came his sister’s soft voice as she placed her hand on his shoulder. He looked at her and nodded lightly. He didn't want to worry her as he knew she'd probably do her best to make him talk and open up and… Kouyou didn't really feel like talking. "Thanks for your help. And for putting up with me." He smiled lightly at her and Rie pulled him in a tight hug.

"Call or text me if you need anything, okay? I left some food in the fridge for you, it should last you a few days." She spoke softly and let go. "Kaoru and the kids are waiting, so I'll be going. I'll see you this weekend for dinner?" Kouyou nodded. "Alright, don't cause trouble." She giggled and kissed his cheek, then left.

Kouyou stood there in silence for a few moments and then sighed. He realized he felt like having a beer or two, so he set out to go to the convenience store to get some and maybe a pack of smokes. It felt like forever since he'd had a cigarette and he knew he needed one badly. It wasn't every day that he regained his freedom, so he needed to celebrate in his own quiet way. Long gone were the days when he liked to go crazy and party, stay up all night with his friends, and overall waste his youth on many frivolous things.

Speaking of his friends, Kouyou wondered what happened to them as they never visited him. Takanori was obvious and understandable why he didn't, but Akira… He hadn't seen him since his trial, not once did he go visit him, despite what a tight friendship they had. Maybe he was upset too? He knew Akira saw his fiancée as his own little sister and was very protective of her too. Kouyou missed them a lot, but didn't know how to reach out to them. Who knew, maybe they didn't live in the city anymore or even in the country. He knew Takanori was trying to become a fashion designer and maybe he was in Paris or Milan or some high fashion centre. And Akira… did he become a proper doctor? Kouyou hoped so. He loved his friends a lot and really hoped they achieved everything they wanted in the time he was away. He was just sad he couldn't be a part of that.

He was so deep in thought that he didn't even realize he was already in the convenience store, picking up some stuff. While checking out, he noticed how much alcohol he actually got and also some snacks to go with it. That should hopefully last him a few days.

“Kouyou? Is that you?” He heard a familiar voice and he turned to see who it was. He was completely taken by surprise by the person who called out his name.


	2. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kouyou struggles with his newly gained freedom, old friends and new acquaintances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: mild physical violence scene described towards the end of the chapter

“Akira…” he whispered to himself. He didn't expect to see him so soon and so out of the blue. “Uh, hi.” he said awkwardly. What a coincidence it was to bump into him just as he thought of him! Maybe too much of a coincidence? Akira didn't live in his neighborhood, so he was genuinely curious as to why he was there.

“They let you out sooner than expected.” He sounded surprised and Kouyou wasn't sure if it was good or bad. What he didn't expect, however, was for Akira to walk over to him and hug him tightly. He tensed at the touch and didn't return the hug, trying to step away from him after a few moments instead. If Akira was hurt by that, he didn't show it.

“It's good to see you, Kou.” Akira continued, letting go of him completely. “It's been so long…” He smiled a little.

"It has been.” For some reason, he started feeling irritated. “If you missed me so much, you should've come and visited me.” his tone sounded indifferent as he shrugged and walked past him to check out. He turned when his arm was gripped and stared his friend down. 

“Look, I'm sorry. I did try to visit you at first, but then I left the country for a few years and after I returned… I felt bad that I didn't tell you I was leaving and I couldn't face you.” Akira explained, seeming genuine about his apology. 

“It would've been nice to know that. The only one who visited me was my sister.” Kouyou said in a low voice before pulling his arm away and turned to the cashier to pay for his groceries, leaving Akira there. 

“Kou, wait.” he followed Kouyou outside. “I'm sorry. I know I should've come to see you over these past years. And I hope you can forgive me. I'd like to be friends again, please…” The sound of him pleading felt… odd. He'd never heard Akira beg for anything in his life, he always did whatever he wanted and took whatever he wanted with no apologies or remorse.

He watched Akira and considered his words for a few moments, trying to decide if he wanted to accept his apology and his request. Which he knew he did, deep down. 

“Alright. If you want, you can come over to my place so we can talk. And bring your own booze.” When he saw the bright smile on Akira’s face, he couldn't help but feel a bit of relief at the possibility of getting his friend back. 

He waited for Akira to get whatever he needed from the store and walked back towards his apartment with him silently as he didn't really feel like talking. He didn't even know  _ what  _ to talk about. Akira was surprisingly quiet compared to his usual talkative and bright self. Then again, he too must've changed over the years. He was now a man, well built, unlike how Kouyou remembered him. And instead of his bleached blond hair, he was sporting a dark brown shade that seemed to suit him better. Even his fashion sense seemed to have been upgraded from ripped jeans, band shirt and leather jacket to proper jeans, a nicer shirt, but still the same old leather jacket.

“So I guess you became a doctor in the end?” Kouyou broke the silence between them after a while as he walked inside the building with Akira in tow. He saw him nod in the corner of his eye. 

“I did… I work at Tokyo General as a surgeon.” he smiled lightly and proudly to himself. 

“That's… pretty cool.” he had to admit he was surprised hearing that. To be a fully-fledged surgeon in his early thirties was quite something, even if he was technically a rookie. He felt slightly awkward just standing there in the elevator with him, silently, after their short discussion. It wasn't until they reached his apartment and Kouyou let them in that Akira spoke up again. 

“It… looks almost the same.” he said as he walked in and took his shoes off. “The paint looks fresh, though.”

“Rie rented the place while I was… away. We put a fresh coat of paint before I moved back in.” he shrugged and took his shoes off as well. Kouyou went into the kitchen to put his groceries away just as Akira walked further into the apartment. He soon followed Akira inside, holding a beer for himself and one for his friend, handing it to him. “So what else is new with you?” he asked and flopped down on the couch. He watched the other admire some of the artwork on the wall.

“Thanks. Oh, not much. Just, you know, work.” he gestured vaguely. “I was out with Taka today for lunch.” he said and looked over at Kouyou.

He could feel the way Akira watched him, waiting for a reaction from him when he mentioned that name.

“Oh yeah? How's he doing?” he asked and shifted his gaze to his drink, unable to look his friend in the eye. It was a hard topic for him to approach, there was too much history and too much pain there, from both sides.

“He's doing well. His career took off and has traveled all over the world. Although... he's become quieter now and doesn't really keep a lot of people around.” Akira explained as he sat down. “I think it’s hard for him to see even me.”

His words stung, Kouyou had to admit. Their friend became like that because of him and he knew that. It was more than once that he thought about Takanori and how he probably ruined his life too and ripped his heart to shreds. He lived with that guilt every single day of his life and if he didn't think about it actively, it was always at the back of his mind. And yet… Akira deliberately bringing this up made him feel… irritated.

“Look, Suzuki. If you've come here to make me feel worse, please leave. I've had ten years of guilt and remorse to deal with.” his voice was soft, but his words were sharp. Kouyou was tired of feeling the way he did and Akira was only making things worse. “I don’t need to continue living my nightmare.” He finally looked up at his friend, who was watching him, surprise written all over his features.

“Sorry, Kou. I didn't mean to come off like that. But I'd like you to meet him and patch things up. I know he'll forgive you.” he pleaded and Kouyou only sighed. 

“Akira.” he said firmly, cutting him off from whatever else it was he was going to say. “I killed his sister. Do you really think he'll ever forgive me?” he said, on the verge of snapping at him. “I loved her just as much as he did and I've been struggling with this feeling of loss for a long time. How do you think he feels about all this?”

“But Kou, it's been so long and—”

“No. If  _ he  _ wants to see me, I'll meet him. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see him again, but… I'm not— I'm not ready yet.” he sighed and leaned back against the couch. He could feel Akira’s gaze on him again and it made him feel slightly uncomfortable. 

“Okay, I won't push it. But you'll have to meet him at some point. You two need to talk about things.” he said in a gentler tone and finally sat down.

“Alright.” he said with a defeated sigh. “I'll think about it. That's all you're getting.” he said firmly.

Akira relaxed and smiled lightly at him. “Good enough for me.”

The rest of the night went by quietly, the two men having decided to watch a movie together, drink and talk, mostly about frivolous things. Kouyou listened to Akira’s story, what he did for the past ten years and where he was at now. After a short tenure in Europe, he returned to Japan where he became an intern, then a resident, and now a fully-fledged surgeon, although still a newbie and was still under supervision. How he almost got married two years prior but didn't go through with it, and how his father passed away about six years before. Kouyou felt like he missed out on a lot of things while he was away. 

It was much later that evening when Akira finally left and Kouyou was alone with his thoughts once more. He didn't mind it, really; Kouyou was used to being mostly by himself, it was easier for him. He wasn't great with social interactions before prison and during his time there, he had less of a craving for it. For the most part, the inmates he interacted with were alright, but there were some who were just vile and Kouyou could not stand to be near them. It was more than once that he ended up in solitary confinement for standing up to those people on behalf of the weaker ones. And more than once he found himself in the infirmary. 

Shaking his head to get rid of those bad memories, Kouyou finished the last of his drink, deciding he'd had enough, and went to lie down, passing out almost immediately. 

*******

Kouyou woke up the next day still groggy and with a headache. It had been a very long time since he had had any alcohol. The way it made him feel all fuzzy and warm on the inside made him realize he actually missed the feeling, but were the after-effects worth it? 

It was close to noon by the time he managed to roll out of bed and go drink some water. He didn't feel like doing much. He finally had his own private space again with a normal bathroom and everything else he needed. However, he didn't feel at ease yet: he was still in the apartment where his fiancée had died and even if the place was spiritually cleansed, Kouyou still felt this faint, lingering dread deep within his bones. It was unsettling, but he couldn't just give up his home again. It was still hard for him to come to terms with her death and move on with his life. How could he when he was the one to take her life? It was unfair, she didn't deserve to die and Kouyou— he couldn't even remember the reason why he killed her, nor how or when. All he remembered was waking up to her bloody body, with a knife stuck in her stomach, both of them lying in bed. 

There were various theories he heard in court and even if his lawyer did his best to defend him, the jury found him guilty in the end after it was revealed that his fiancée was pregnant. That was probably what sealed his fate. Everyone theorized that he killed her because of her pregnancy, but that couldn't be further from the truth as Kouyou didn't even know she was pregnant up until that point. Yet Kouyou couldn't cope with the loss of his love and the feelings of guilt he had and was struggling with. He couldn't explain to himself  _ why  _ he had reacted the way he did that day. It was like everything went black and as hard as he tried to remember, he couldn't. The last thing he remembered was getting into a taxi that night and that was it. He kept playing it over and over again in his mind to try and remember, but it only led to him having multiple nervous breakdowns in the first few months of his imprisonment. 

Kouyou hopped into the shower to help clear his mind of those thoughts. Yes, it all reminded him of Naoko, but he had to look at his situation differently: he was given a second chance to start over and do something with his life. He was only in his mid-thirties, he was still young. And this time around, he was going to do whatever he wanted, not what others expected or demanded of him. He didn't care what others thought of him, so why should he continue being a pushover? He could start writing again, which was something that brought him happiness. Who knows, maybe people would still buy his books, just like they did before. Maybe he could write about his experiences there and talk about the people he met. He could write a semi-autobiographical novel instead of his preferred genre of science fiction. And if his experience could help others, even better. He felt free for the first time, almost as if he was reborn, and he wanted to make a difference. He wanted to speak up for those who couldn’t and stand up to those who oppressed.

Kouyou chose to spend the rest of his day at home after his shower, just watching TV and being a general couch potato and the following few days were spent much in the same way. Despite his original thoughts of writing again, Kouyou didn't feel inspired enough. He felt numb to everything around him, food included. He only ate because he had to and even then, he sometimes forgot to eat. However, when his sister came to visit him, she scolded him as she cooked something quick for him to eat, then made him go take a shower: Kouyou looked disheveled and his long hair was mildly matted in some spots from lying on the couch or in bed. He was apathetic and his motivation from prior days died when he felt this weird, overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and dread deep within himself. It was such a crippling feeling that he felt almost paralyzed and could not gather enough strength to overcome it. 

When he got out of the shower, he felt a tiny bit better and, despite the tough love from his sister, he was grateful to walk into the kitchen to his sister's famous katsudon and miso soup. It tasted exactly like their grandma's recipe and it made Kouyou remember the good times when he'd be out with Rie, helping their grandpa with the farm animals, while their grandma cooked a delicious lunch for all of them. 

Roughly a month had passed since Kouyou was released and about two weeks after he moved into his old place. He spent most of that time playing video games, reading and sleeping. His food was take-out for the most part, as he didn't feel like cooking or doing anything else, and he didn't bother showering very often (he barely left his house, so why bother?). He didn't have any correctional officer telling him what to do, nor did he have a roommate who was anal about their cell's cleanliness, so he allowed himself to be as messy as he wanted. 

Thinking about prison made him remember his only friend there, how kind he was, and how nice he was to Kouyou. He was the only one who didn't call him ‘the crazy one’ and actively tried to get through to him and to know him after he was brought down from the psych ward to gen pop. 

Kouyou didn't even realize he was crying silently as he thought of him, his deepest emotions quickly taking over. After his friend died, he decided he wouldn't get too close to anyone again, for they'd be in harm's way and Kouyou wanted to avoid that. He lost his fiancé and his friend and just couldn't bear losing anyone else, so he was going to keep everyone away, as much as the thought of doing that hurt. Because you see, Kouyou liked being surrounded by people he cared about, he was just scared after what he'd gone through over all those years spent away from his loved ones.

Kouyou felt tired of how he was feeling and thought that maybe going out would help cheer him up. So he finally turned off the TV and went in for a long, soothing shower that, once he was under the hot stream of water, he realized how much he needed it. He was in there for quite a while, taking his time in shaving and grooming himself, giving extra care to his long, jet black hair. As he watched himself in the mirror, he pondered if he should cut it; it was already down to the middle of his back and all he did with it was wash it. Although… It reminded him how Hiro, his friend from prison, always loved playing with Kouyou's locks whenever they hung out and how soothing it felt to have his touch. Those were the only tender moments he experienced in all those years away and they felt short-lived, just like Hiro's life.

Trying to put those thoughts out of his mind, Kouyou got ready and left the house. He felt nervous as he stepped into the street and looked around. It was dark outside and so far, no one recognized him. He was well aware that people might have forgotten him, but seeing the hate he received even while he was in jail made him think that there were still people out there who would want to hurt him. After all, his fiancée was a famous and beloved actress while she was alive and he still remembered how protective her fans were of her. To the point that one time they even crashed one of his book signing events and doused him in cold water, telling him how unworthy he was of her. That event was a complete disaster and it was cut short, to everyone’s disappointment.

Kouyou walked leisurely to the train station and wrapped his scarf around the lower half of his face to hide it. It was still pretty chilly in the evening and he was prone to getting sick easily, always had been. A short train ride later, he arrived in Roppongi and wandered along the streets, searching for a bar he could go into. As he looked around, he noticed how much the area had changed, how there were more people, especially foreigners. It also made him feel a bit sad as a lot of the places he knew were no longer there. 

However, he was surprised when he found the same bar Akira, Takanori and himself hung out at together before his life fell apart. Pushing down the nostalgia that overcame him, he took a deep breath and walked inside. He stopped for a moment and looked around, taking in all the changes. He spotted a seat at the bar and walked over, taking his jacket off and setting it on the back of the chair, then ordered a whiskey. From where he was sitting, he had a full view of the whole bar, which could probably hold about sixty people. The lights inside were pretty dim and most of the tables had patrons well on their way to getting drunk.

He watched as a group of younger people chatted happily and played games at a table nearby; another group of guys who seemed to be around his age were talking passionately about a subject that Kouyou couldn't hear what it was. He looked at the opposite end of the bar and saw two people flirting with each other and the nervousness he picked up on made him smile faintly. 

He remembered how nervous he was when he discovered his feelings for Naoko and how awkward he felt at times, mostly because she was his best friend's sister. They had been friends for longer than they had been lovers and Kouyou felt a deep melancholy as he remembered those days. 

“Here you go.” Kouyou was brought back to reality as the bartender placed his drink in front of him. “You look oddly familiar.” the older man mused and Kouyou looked up. 

“Huh? Oh… I used to come here about eleven years ago with my friends.” he took a sip of his drink, not wanting to reveal his identity. He liked how smooth the honey-golden liquid was and the way it warmed him up from the inside. "The place changed a lot since then."

“Eleven years is a long time. Things are bound to change.” the bartender said and went to tend to other customers. 

“I agree with that…” Kouyou mumbled under his breath and sighed softly. Eleven years was indeed a long time, especially spent locked up with almost nothing to do to occupy his time. Sure, he read and had a so-called job (he ended up being a janitor assigned mostly to the solitary confinement building).

But he wasn't there to think of the past. He was there to enjoy a night out by himself, so he focused on that. He watched the other people in the bar, chatting away in growingly louder voices as the night progressed and alcohol was consumed. He found himself daydreaming and remembered one time when he was out with his friends and they were all so drunk that they couldn't stop laughing at whatever silly thing Akira said or did. The memory put a small smile on his lips. 

“Isn't it that guy Takashima? You know, the one who killed that actress ten years ago.”

Hearing that made Kouyou's blood run cold and he panicked. But he had to remain calm and not give in to it. The person who said it wasn't even trying to be quiet about it. He realized it was someone from a smaller group that had arrived a little while after him and noticed them throwing glances his way almost the whole evening.

“He's pretty hot.” a young woman's voice spoke. “Masa, don't. Leave him alone.” he heard her say, but refused to look in their direction, hoping and praying they would leave him alone. But he wasn't so lucky. Of course he wasn't. 

“Hey, are you Takashima? The murderer?” the guy asked, clearly drunk, and placed a hand on Kouyou's shoulder. “I asked you a question.” Kouyou hated being touched out of the blue and did his best not to let his fight or flight mode engage. He shrugged his arm off, tensing up.

“Leave him alone and go back to your drink. Or I'll kick you out and ban you. Have I not warned you before?” the bartender intervened, a stern look on his face. The two guys lingered, but then walked away, smirking at each other. 

“Thank you.” Kouyou said softly and was surprised when the bartender poured him another drink, this one on the house. Kouyou thanked him again and bowed his head slightly. He realized his hands were shaking slightly, only noticeable to himself.

“A man's past should remain just that. And in my bar, there won't be any violence.” As he said that, he placed a glass on the bar with ice in it, to a spot next to his, pouring some whiskey. Before Kouyou could question it, someone sat on the stool next to his, startling him slightly. 

“Hi ossan.” the man said slightly out of breath, then downed his drink in one swift move. Kouyou looked at him incredulously, as if the man disturbed his peace (which he did). “Do I have something on my face?” he asked rudely and snapped his head around to look at Kouyou. 

Kouyou didn't even realize he was staring at the man. He shook his head and returned his attention to his drink, sipping from it quietly. He secretly eavesdropped on his conversation with the bartender for the first little while, but it seemed pretty mundane, so he just minded his own business instead, scrolling through his phone and tuning the two out. The man was like a whirlwind of black with dark, piercing eyes, a slightly nasally voice, and a haughty attitude that could fill a room, or so Kouyou perceived him.

"So what's your deal?" the man asked after a while, bringing Kouyou back to reality. He was kind of rude, wasn’t he?

"Huh?" he blinked as he tried to focus his eyes on him. He had to admit, the man was good looking and… he reminded him of his friend Hiro. They both had black hair and similar noses. Although Hiro's eyes were kinder, softer than the man sitting next to him. But… whatever cologne he was wearing, it gently invaded Kouyou’s nostrils, sending a light shiver down his spine. How could someone smell so good? Like… sandalwood and something else.

"Those kids back there," he nodded in their direction, "keep staring daggers at you. Did you do something to them?" 

Kouyou shrugged at that. "No idea what their deal is. I came here for a drink and they started harassing me." he said and sipped his second drink, looking away from him again. He saw the man study him from the corner of his eye and wondered what he really wanted from him. 

"I see." he answered after a long pause. "You better stay clear of those kids, they're trouble. I've seen them around, causing mischief." 

Kouyou mindlessly nodded at that, not really registering what the man was saying. He realized that he didn't really feel like interacting with anyone, he just wanted to enjoy his drink in peace. So he thought that the only way he could do that was to drink at home. Kouyou downed his drink and started looking for his wallet. He looked over at the other man as he realized he was staring at him. 

"It's getting late, I need to get home." he explained himself and handed money to the bartender to pay for his drink. 

"It's only nine." the other man said, a little confused and with a raised eyebrow. Kouyou smiled a little awkwardly at him. 

"I have to finish unpacking. I just moved into my place." he half lied and saw the man nod. "Well, I hope to see you around." he said as he stood. Kouyou said his goodbyes to the two men and left the bar. 

What a strange evening it was so far...

He walked leisurely in the direction of his home, hands in his pockets. He wondered how hard it would be to readjust to regular life after spending such a long time locked away. Would society know he was an ex-convict? (Of course it would.) Would he be able to get a job? (Probably not.) Or if he decided to write again, would people buy his books? Would they still buy something written by a murderer? (Who knows.) He had many questions and possibly no answers to them, at least not ones he wanted to figure out for the time being. 

Kouyou was so lost in thought that he didn't realize that he was being followed. He was taken off guard when he was grabbed and pulled into an empty alley; punches were delivered and it threw him off as it took him a few moments to realize what was going on and who was attacking him. He tried fighting back, but it was three against one and he didn't have the strength or stamina to do much damage. Kouyou could hear some girls goading the guys on and realized they were filming the whole thing. He felt overpowered and just as he was about to give up, he heard a voice yelling something and the group dropped him to the ground, then ran away.

Kouyou lay there on the ground for a few moments, cold and bruised and sore. He managed to sit up with the little strength he had left and within moments he saw a pair of legs in front of him, with an outstretched arm as he looked up. He recognized him as the rude man from the bar, so he took his hand and whimpered lightly as the stranger helped him up to his feet. 

"Are you okay? Let me take you to the hospital for a check-up, make sure nothing's broken." the brunet offered. 

"No, it's okay. I'm fine." Kouyou said and allowed himself to lean on him for a moment. "I'll just get a taxi home." It had been a while since he felt so much pain throughout his body and it made him feel dizzy.

His answer didn't seem to please the shorter man as he opened his mouth to speak. "If you don't want to go to the hospital, then you're coming over to my place so I can patch you up." the way he said it, Kouyou knew there was no room to argue. He nodded with a sigh. 

"Alright." he said, wiping some blood from the corner of his mouth. "How do I know I can trust you?" he asked. 

"Given that I'm such a great guy, you can't really say no to me and my charm." The man snorted, amused, a playful glint in his eyes. Kouyou just glanced at him with raised eyebrows and a slightly unimpressed look on his face. Was he really going to follow a stranger home?

"What's your name?" Kouyou finally decided to ask. 

"You can call me Shiroyama." he said. 

Kouyou nodded and got into the Uber the other had requested, with his help. He was trying his best to hide the pain he was in, he didn't want a stranger to take care of him as he found it weird and it made him feel vulnerable. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! If you've reached this far, please let me know down in the comments what you think so far!  
> I know this chapter was still a little on the mellow side too, but I promise the next ones are a bit more exciting (or so I think at least). 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this story so far!


	3. A Siren's Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kouyou gets taken care of pretty well.

On the ride over, Kouyou passed out as the adrenaline rush faded and exhaustion took over his body. When he eventually woke up, he found himself in an unknown place, which made him panic. He suddenly sat up as he wanted to figure out his whereabouts; however, he closed his eyes and lay down as he felt dizzy.

"Relax, you're safe." A soft and somewhat deep voice spoke near him. Kouyou blinked his eyes open and realized it was the man he had just met. "You're at my place. Those kids really got you good, but there's no cause for concern. Just a few bruises on your body and a busted lip." Shiroyama said and Kouyou stared at him as he tried to ground himself. It was then he realized he was shirtless and started stirring, needing some space. "Wait, I'm almost done." The man spoke again in his soothingly soft voice. 

"Um… how long was I out for?" Kouyou asked quietly, trying to relax as he watched the other's focused expression. Once he was done, Shiroyama moved back a little and looked at Kouyou. 

"A few hours maybe? It took a while to bring you up here." He explained and Kouyou watched him pack up some medical supplies before getting up.

"Why... are you helping me?" Kouyou asked quietly, watching him. He slowly sat up and looked for his shirt, wincing in mild pain. Whatever ointment the other applied, it helped numb his pain quite a bit, he could tell.

Shiroyama stopped and looked at him, but Kouyou couldn't tell what he was thinking about. "Because I couldn't just leave you lying there." He said in the end with a bit of an attitude and passed Kouyou a new shirt he had prepared. "Yours is ripped, you can wear this. Are you hungry? Or feel like another drink?" He asked as he left the room, probably to put the supplies away.

Kouyou carefully put the shirt on, which had a faint scent of the cologne Shiroyama wore. He had to admit, his momentary caregiver was handsome and smelled so good… it was unfair that he was probably straight. Although Kouyou wouldn't really know how to flirt with men, he was pretty awkward around women too. His fiancée was the only one he felt comfortable around from the beginning.

"Um… I'm good, thanks. I don't want to impose." He replied, although his voice didn't carry very far.

"Have a drink anyway, you've had quite the night." The brunet said as he returned with two glasses and a bottle of vodka. He sat down next to Kouyou and poured a glass for each of them. Kouyou picked up the glass and stared at him for a few moments, which made the other turn to him with a questioning look. 

Kouyou quickly looked away and sipped his drink. "Thank you." He said softly. He felt weirdly relaxed around this man, something he wasn't used to. "For patching me up." 

"No need to." He waved his hand dismissively. "You can pay me back by being my occasional drinking buddy. I have a feeling I won't get bored around you." He chuckled. "Although I have to warn you that I work very long hours, so it won't be very often." 

Kouyou wasn't used to people being so friendly towards him. "That sounds good to me." He sipped his drink and realized he didn't want to finish it. "Do you make it a habit to bring strange men into your home?" He asked and hoped it would come across as a joke.

"Only hot ones." Shiroyama said simply and glanced at Kouyou with a slight smirk. Was he flirting with him?? That's the impression Kouyou got and he felt flustered all of a sudden.

Kouyou looked away, a little embarrassed. He was all beaten up and bruised and this man thought he was handsome? What a weirdo… Maybe he wanted to lure Kouyou to his place and then kill him. Although that sounded too much like something that happened in one of his own novels. 

He was slightly startled when he felt a hand being placed gently on his thigh and the sound of soft laughter.

"Don't worry, I'm just messing with you." The other one said, looking amused. What did Kouyou get himself into? "What's your name, by the way? I didn't get to ask you earlier." As he spoke, he took his hand away, but still looked at Kouyou. 

"Oh, um… it's Takashima. Takashima Kouyou." He looked at the other and paid more attention to his features. He was handsome, that was certain. He had a pretty, oval face with a soft jaw, plump lips and a round nose; his short-ish hair was tied in a tiny ponytail in the back, his bangs framing his face. And there was just something about his cologne that attracted him like a bear to honey. He felt his face heat up slightly and he wasn't sure if it was because of his bruises or because of the man sitting next to him. "Oh, uh… by the way, which part of the city are we in?" He asked, trying to distract himself from his rushing thoughts. But his question didn't make the other move away.

"Ebisu." He answered, still studying Kouyou. "I didn't know where you live, otherwise I would've taken you there instead. You passed out pretty quickly in the car and I didn’t get a chance to ask." 

Kouyou nodded and played with the glass in his hand. "I was a little tired." He shrugged, despite the soreness in his body.

"A little tired… dude, you just had three guys bigger than you kick your ass!" He raised his eyebrows at him, taken aback by Kouyou's words. "Are you sure you're okay?" Before Kouyou could react, Shiroyama reached over and checked his forehead for temperature or maybe a concussion? All he knew was that they were  _ very  _ close.

His palm was surprisingly soft and warm and Kouyou couldn't help but look at him again, making eye contact. He was a little stuck on what to do. Was he genuinely checking for his temperature or was he still… flirting? He didn’t have much experience in flirting with another man, so he wasn't sure. And when pursuing girls when he was younger… well, it was different, the signals seemed clearer.

"Um…" he barely managed under the other's intense gaze.

"Shh… I'm enjoying the view." He smirked and Kouyou swallowed, feeling the fierce energy between them. Being so close, the other's scent was intoxicating and Kouyou found himself wanting to be even closer to Shiroyama. He wanted to reach out and touch him, make sure he was real and he wasn't just imagining what was happening. 

"You know… back in the bar you seemed so aloof, but now you're so flustered and speechless. I like it." Shiroyama added softly. "If you weren't injured…" he trailed off, glancing at Kouyou's lips, whose breath got stuck in his chest.

"I-I've been in worse condition before." He managed, breathing heavily. He reached up lightly, pressing his hand on Shiroyama's side. "A few more bruises are nothing." The other man pulled his hand away from Kouyou's forehead, but Kouyou managed to grab hold of his wrist as he continued making eye contact with the brunet. "Be gentle." He whispered and leaned in, kissing him. He felt anxious for a moment as he expected the other to push him away, but instead Shiroyama pressed closer, deepening the kiss.

Kouyou's whole body tingled at the sensation of the kiss mixed with the other's maddening scent. He gently tugged on him and Shiroyama got the point, straddling Kouyou's lap.

What a feeling… he couldn't remember the last time he spent time like that with another person and his catch of the night being a man made it somehow more exciting. Their bodies were as close as possible and arms wrapped around each other, fingers tangled into hair. It was messy, it was passionate and it was quickly addictive. Kouyou didn't want it to stop just yet. He parted for a moment so he could pull the other's shirt off, but Shiroyama didn't hesitate either and did the same to him. In the heat of the moment, Kouyou forgot all about the pain his body was in, all he could see and want was the man on his lap.

"Fuck, you're so hot." Shiroyama breathed and kissed over Kouyou's neck as they continued touching each other, the former being gentle so as not to hurt him more. 

"You are too." Kouyou breathed and whimpered lightly in pain. Shiroyama had touched a sore spot and it made Kouyou falter for a moment. But he made up for it by kissing Kouyou again.

"Sorry." He whispered and started fumbling with Kouyou's belt as they continued. 

It felt good. It made Kouyou feel alive, it made him  _ want  _ to be alive and to experience the world and his new found freedom. And what better way to experience it than to sleep with a handsome man? Shiroyama's black hair was like a deep, dark sea that he didn't mind losing himself in. Their combined moans brought him back to what they were doing. 

He didn't even register the moment they were both naked and Shiroyama rolled a condom on Kouyou's hardness, lubing both of them up. He didn't mind Shiroyama taking the initiative and doing most of the work, he could just enjoy it. His body was even more excited when the brunet slid down on him and started rolling his hips. Being connected like that felt amazing and it sent his mind reeling.

He was loving every second of it, entranced by the man on his lap like a sailor under the spell of a siren. But in his case, his siren would bring him pleasure and not death. He held him close, bodies flushed against each other as they rocked, wet lips meeting in sloppy kisses. It had been too long since he felt like this and did not want to stop, not until both of them hit climax. With that thought in mind, his release was imminent and so Kouyou reached down between their bodies to help Shiroyama along as well.

Low groans filled the apartment as the two came, then only their heavy breathing could be heard. With the brunet slumped against his chest, Kouyou still held him close as he leaned against the couch, enjoying the moment. 

"Drinking buddies, huh?" Kouyou managed after a long pause. He felt sated and surprisingly refreshed. He could feel the other's soft laughter vibrate against his chest as he lay there.

"I mean… we did drink together." He lifted his head to look at Kouyou, grinning at him. "How… how are your bruises? I hope I didn't create more." His grin softened as he gently peeled away to check him. 

"I'm okay, nothing some rest won't help with." He said and watched the other as he shifted so Kouyou's now flaccid member slid out of him. It was messy, but he found it to be a sign of time well spent.

"If you want, you can shower. I'll add ointment again after." He offered and slid off Kouyou's lap, sitting next to him for a moment as he waited for a reply.

"Is… is that okay?" He asked, feeling a little awkward. 

"Why don't you shower with me? You can do me in there too." The sly grin on his face made Kouyou want to listen to him. How could he say no? He had just met him, but felt this instant attraction to him. Like a sailor under a siren's song.

"Alright. Lead the way." Kouyou said, getting up and offering his hand to Shiroyama to help him up, who gladly took it. With an arm wrapping around Kouyou's waist, he leaned close to his ear.

"You know, this was probably the best sex I've had in months." He grinned and pulled him along into the bathroom.

After a not so quick shower (and another round of sex), Shiroyama lead him into the bedroom, where they shared the bed with passion once again. Kouyou was finally spent as he lay there, enjoying the aftermath of his multiple orgasms. He didn't even mind when the other man cuddled up to him, placing his head on his chest.

"Would it make things awkward if I thanked you for today?" Kouyou asked softly after a while. He looked down at Shiroyama as the other shifted.

"You're welcome." He said cheekily and settled back in his previous spot. "You know… I realized I recognized you from somewhere. There's a photo of you with some other people displayed in the bar we met. I didn't realize I was going to have sex with a famous writer." He chuckled.

Kouyou was surprised to hear that and felt taken aback a little. "Um…" Was Shiroyama going to use him, now that he knew who he was? Or was he going to hurt him too? His thoughts ran a mile a minute, unaware of his surroundings anymore, until he felt the other's lips on his, which snapped him out of it. 

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about this." How did he know what Kouyou was thinking about? "Why would I ruin a perfectly fun thing?" 

Kouyou relaxed as he saw no malice in the other. 

"I guess you're right. I…" Should he be upfront about things? Better to end things before they begin. "There are a few things you should know first. I… I was imprisoned for the last ten years for… for…" he couldn't say it.

"I know. My ex was obsessed with your case and to this day he thinks you're innocent. And I believe him." He said sincerely. "Besides, I'm not one to judge."

"You… you think I'm innocent?" He asked, shocked. "But…" But Kouyou remembered waking up with a knife in his hand, the same knife that killed his bride to be. He was starting to work himself up without realizing it as he thought about it.

"Takashima." Kouyou didn't hear his name being said several times as his mind whirled out of control again. "Kouyou!" Shiroyama called out to him again and took his face into his palms. "Listen, focus on me." He said softly as he tried to make eye contact with Kouyou again. "I'm sorry I brought it up. I didn't realize it would affect you so much." 

Kouyou calmed down slowly, looking at him. The feelings of guilt and shame were starting to creep up on him. How could he let others see him like this? Why wasn't he more careful? 

"No, no… it's-it's okay. I can't remember anything about that night and everyone told me I did it. There was no evidence to prove otherwise, so I just… believed them all." Why was he telling this to a stranger? He has kept all of this from the people he cared about and yet this person made him open up so easily. How could that be?

"You can talk to me about it if you want." He offered. "I can't imagine it was easy these past years." 

"Why… are you being so nice to me?" He asked almost right away. He couldn't help but feel a little guarded.

"No reason." He gently let go of his face now that Kouyou was calm. "I'm a nurse, I can't help but offer people a shoulder." He spoke softly. "Besides actual medical attention." He smiled a little and leaned in to press a kiss to his jaw. "Relax, I promise you’re safe here." As he spoke, he straddled Kouyou's hips. 

But Kouyou didn't feel like going for another round. So he gently grabbed the other's hips to stop him. "I'd like to sleep." He said quietly, looking up at Shiroyama, who hesitated, then nodded before lying down next to him. 

"Are you okay?" He asked as he watched Kouyou turn on his side, his back facing him.

"Yeah, don't worry about me. I've just had a long day." He sighed quietly. He appreciated it when he felt the other cover him with a blanket, then turned off the light.

Kouyou soon slipped into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish you all happy holidays!


	4. Old wounds cut deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kouyou meets an old friend. He also questions his own memory and life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally posting chapter 4! I hope you like it!

Kouyou woke up the next day to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. For a moment he almost panicked until he remembered he had spent the night with a beautiful stranger and had lots of sex. He didn't even realize he craved it so much.

It took him a few good minutes to pull himself up and look for his clothes: his pants seemed to have been washed and were folded and placed neatly on a small armchair along with a clean shirt. Once he was dressed, he took a moment to look around the room. He hadn't taken in any of the features of the place the night before as he was…. well, busy.

The room itself wasn't very big. There was a queen size bed up against the wall, covered in black silk sheets and nightstands on each side of it. Across from it there was a closet with sliding doors and in one corner was the armchair he found his clothes on. There were a few art pieces displayed on the walls, including some photos with Shiroyama and other people, one of them with him holding a very big fish. The decor otherwise was simple and the walls were painted in a light beige colour. 

Just as he opened the door to leave the room, he almost bumped into his host and both of them took a step back.

"Oh, good morning! I was just about to come check on you. I made coffee and breakfast, in case you wanted to have some." 

The man seemed to be in a good mood, despite how their night ended. Wasn't Shiroyama upset over how Kouyou reacted? Or over how he dismissed him from a fourth round? Kouyou hated how he would always overthink things and it would just ruin things for him.

"Good morning." He said softly, taken a little aback by his cheery mood. Were all the people but him so happy in the morning? His sister and her family all seemed to be like that in the morning too. "Um… I'd like that, thank you." He followed the other man to the kitchen, which was actually a shared space with the dining and living area. There was fresh coffee on the small dining table and the breakfast consisted of rice, fried fish and omelet. 

"Hey Shiroyama, about last night… I hope I didn't dampen the mood too much." He said as he sat down at the table. He was feeling anxious for some reason as he talked about it. To distract him from the feeling, he glanced around the room to find things that he could use to help ground him. He noticed that the couch was deep black with a few colorful throw pillows and was positioned in the middle of the room, facing the tv mounted on the wall. There was also a fluffy blanket thrown over one end, probably left there after their deed the previous night. In a corner of the room, close to the balcony door, he saw a beautiful guitar placed on the wall, just above a small amp. There was again artwork on the walls, but this time there were mostly framed posters of various artists that seemed to be signed. So Shiroyama loved music and… fishing.

"Nah, don't worry about it. Like I said last night, I had fun." He said and sat down at the table as well. He didn't seem upset, so that helped Kouyou relax a little. He brought with him milk and sugar and set those down as well. "Also… you can call me Yuu. When it's just the two of us." He said sheepishly, surprising Kouyou a bit. They were on a first name basis already?

"Yuu?" It sounded so much more innocent than Yuu actually was. He saw the other nod. "It's a nice name." Kouyou said softly and picked up the coffee, sipping it.

"Thanks." He chuckled and started eating. Kouyou glanced at him, somewhat fascinated by him. Being around so many traumatized men, it was refreshing to see someone so carefree and unburdened by difficult life experiences.

Kouyou started eating too, although only a little bit as he wasn't very hungry. His thoughts were again rushing a mile a minute in his head and it was hard to make them settle.

They were mostly silent as they ate, Kouyou not really knowing what to say. He felt a little awkward; should he just leave? Should he finish eating and having his coffee? Should he attempt to make small talk? But he didn't really know what to talk about…

After they finished their breakfast, Kouyou realized it was time for him to leave. He grabbed his things and got ready, but was disappointed to see his jacket ruined. He'd had it for a very long time and it was his favourite… maybe he could get it repaired somehow. 

"Thanks for last night. For patching me up and… the rest." He said to Yuu as he was about to open the door to leave. 

"No need to. Will I see you again next week?" Yuu asked, taking a step closer to Kouyou. 

"Um… sure. Same bar, same time?" He asked, watching him. Should he kiss him again? If he did, would Yuu push him away? His questions were quickly answered as Yuu pushed him gently against the door and pressed their bodies together.

"Sure. Think about me when you jack off." He breathed and pulled him into a deep kiss. Kouyou didn't resist, kissing him back for a few moments, a quiet moan leaving his lips. "I'll definitely think of you." He purred, making Kouyou's heart skip a beat. 

With a hesitant nod, the two parted and Kouyou left. Once he was outside, he realized he didn't know how to get back as he didn't really know where he was, so instead of figuring out how to get home by transit, he requested an Uber. It was a fairly long and expensive ride back home, but he didn't really mind. Thanks to his sister managing his finances while he was gone, he could afford it. 

While in the car, he thought some more about what Yuu had told him and was grateful that the brunet didn't bring it up again that morning. If what he said was true, then that meant he had ti question everything about his life in the last ten or so years. The thought gnawed at him and kept circling back to it.

When he entered his apartment, he realized how bare it was. How empty and cold and impersonal it felt. Maybe it was only because he'd been there for just a few weeks, or maybe it was because he needed to fill his space with more things… or maybe people. He wasn't used to being on his own anymore and as much as he loved his alone time, he still wanted companionship.

With thoughts like that, he made his way into the bedroom and let himself flop on his bed, closing his eyes. He could still smell the other on him and allowed himself to enjoy the moment. The soreness of his body started setting in and he could feel his bruises too, aching lightly.

After a while, he got up and went to draw himself a bath, hopefully that would help with the state of his body. He checked himself in the mirror and traced some of his bruises and older scars, remembering how he got each of them, feeling weirdly nostalgic about it. For so many years all he knew were solitude and getting beaten up one way or another. And now… to possibly think that he may not even have done it? He closed his eyes once he was in the tub, the water coming up to his chin, and tried to remember things from that night, any small piece of information he could find to confirm he didn't really do it. He'd lived with the guilt of having killed the woman he loved and everyone around him convinced him he did it. Including the psychiatrist in charge of his evaluation and mental state.

At that time, Kouyou was struggling with his mental health and it was easy for him to believe he did it. He was taking medication and he mixed it with alcohol every now and then, which he shouldn't have. And this was why it was easy for him to believe he killed her. He never even doubted it and thought that someone else may have killed her instead and blamed it on him. But who could have done it? Was it some stalker or one of her crazy fans? Or maybe someone else, someone close to them? He didn't know and he didn't even know where to start looking for answers, let alone find her murderer. It was probably impossible now since it's been so long.

With a sigh, he leaned his head back, struggling with how he was feeling. He sat in the tub for a long time, trying to sort out his emotions and by the time he got out, the water was lukewarm. He changed into clean clothes, but kept the ones he wore the night before, the ones that still smelled like Yuu. He knew he shouldn't hold onto them and that he should get rid of his scent, but Kouyou had an amazing night (minus getting beaten up) and felt he needed to keep some sort of memento, even if he had to give the clothes back eventually.

As he reminisced the night before, he heard his phone buzz with a text message. It was from Akira, asking him to meet him for lunch in Shibuya. Kouyou hesitated, but accepted. He missed hanging out with his friend, so he was going to take any opportunity to reconnect with him. He got out and half way through getting dressed, he realized he forgot to get Yuu's number and mentally kicked himself. But at least he knew the man would be at the same bar in less than a week and he could see him again.

About two hours later, he found himself getting off the train in Shibuya and looking for the cafe Akira told him to meet him at. It took him a while until he found it on a side street and entered. The scent of freshly brewed coffee and delicious baked goods greeted him and made him realize he was hungry. He spotted Akira at a table, facing the door Kouyou had entered, talking to someone dressed simply, but who looked very stylish from behind. As he approached the table and was noticed by his friend, the other person turned around and Kouyou stopped, colour draining from his face and heart stopping for a moment.

It was Takanori.

Kouyou noticed how his expression changed when Takanori saw him as he turned around.

"Taka…" Kouyou managed to whisper as he took a step closer to them. He saw Takanori frown and get up, placing some money on the table in quiet anger.

"Fuck you, Suzuki. I told you I didn't want to see him." He walked right past Kouyou and towards the exit. 

Kouyou was stunned, his eyes wide. How could Akira do that to him? He  _ told  _ him he wasn't ready to see Takanori and yet he went ahead and scheduled a lunch with them both! But… he also didn't want his first meeting with his friend after so long to go like that, so he ran out after him.

"Taka, wait!" He called out, following him out of the cafe. A few moments later, he managed to catch up with him, grabbing his arm to stop him.

"Don't touch me!" Takanori almost yelled, yanking his arm away. "I never wanted to see you again! You murderer!" Kouyou noticed his eyes watering up slightly as he pulled away and started walking away again.

"No, wait! Taka, I–" 

"You what! I'll never forgive you for it!" He yelled without stopping. 

"I didn't kill her." Kouyou said quietly. It was in that moment that he had an epiphany all of a sudden: he really didn't kill her, did he? He had problems with his memory, but he wouldn't have forgotten something as major as that. His words seemed to make the other stop and turn back to him.

"What did you just say?" Takanori asked through gritted teeth, walking slowly back to him. "You pleaded guilty, you said it with your own fucking words that you killed my baby sister." His tone was accusing and he was shaking lightly, looking angry. Despite Takanori being shorter than him, Kouyou always found him scary when he was angry. "And now you're saying you didn't do it? You're a fucking liar." He spat out, voice dripping with rage and venom.

Kouyou felt a little intimidated by him, but did his best to stand his ground. He really wanted to hug him and apologize until they were both old and wrinkly, but sadly that wasn't a choice.

"I… I didn't kill her. I have no proof, but I  _ know  _ I didn't. I couldn't have, Taka. I loved her more than anything. I could never have hurt even one hair on her head. She was the love of my life." As he spoke, tears started falling down his cheeks, feeling overwhelmed. He didn't even care if people were looking at them, he was more worried about his current interaction. 

"Taka, I swear to you, I don't know who did it, but I didn't kill her." Kouyou hoped his sincere words came across as that. He looked at his friend, waiting for a reaction, but all he got was an impenetrable wall. 

"I don't believe you." He muttered, narrowing his eyes at Kouyou. "You can rot in hell for all I care.  _ You _ should've died instead of Naoko. She was the purest soul I've ever met and you destroyed it, first with your drug and alcohol filled habits and then you took her life. I don't understand why she loved such trash like you. Don't you fucking talk to me ever again!" With that, Takanori turned around and stomped away, leaving Kouyou alone and vulnerable in the middle of the street. 

His words cut deep.

Kouyou watched him leave, not having any more energy or drive to go after him. Watching Takanori walk away like that hurt. But… he agreed with him. Kouyou should've been the one who died, not Naoko. She was the most gentle person Kouyou had ever known and how did he repay her kindness and love? By choosing drugs and alcohol over her and failing her and their unborn child. 

Realizing where he was, he wiped his tears away and started walking back to the train station to go back home. Moments later, he heard Akira call out to him and stop him by grabbing his shoulder.

"Hey, Kou, I'm sorry. I didn't realize things were that bad… I was hoping you and Taka could talk." Akira said, sounding hopeful. It made Kouyou turn his head and look at him, feeling anger build inside him.

"What the fuck, Suzuki? Didn't I tell you I wasn't ready to see him?" He snapped. "Why would you do this to me? And to him? Taka clearly still hates me, so why would you do something that brings up bad memories for both of us?" Akira seemed speechless, so he continued. "You know what? If you're going to be pushy like this, then I don't need you in my life. You need to respect my boundaries." Kouyou said and started walking away again, not caring about the other's reaction. He already had too many things to deal with.

"Kou, wait. I'm sorry. I thought I was doing you two a solid. Kou, please…" his pleading made Kouyou slow down and sigh.

"Fine. But don't pull this shit ever again." He said, annoyed. Kouyou wanted to get home as soon as possible, he needed alone time and needed his safe space. He was so upset with Akira for doing what he did!

"I won't, I promise. Let me give you a ride home. I drove here." He offered, looking apologetic. But Kouyou was too upset to want company.

"No, it's fine. I need to go get a phone, I've been using Rie's old one. I'll see you another time." He said and left before Akira could try and convince him to continue hanging out. He didn't want to lash out at him more than he already did, so it was best if he left. After the emotional rollercoaster he was just on, he felt like he couldn't breathe. He hated surprises like that and Akira should've known better.

Getting a new phone was no easy feat. He was in the store for quite a while, filling out all sorts of paperwork. He felt like he was being stared at by the other people in there, but he brushed it off, blaming it on his anxiety instead. It was so strange to have a slick new phone compared to the borrowed flip phone he had and Kouyou felt somewhat overwhelmed as he tried to figure it out on his way home. Thankfully, the store clerk helped him move whatever information he had to the new device, so at least he didn't have to worry about that.

Once it was mostly set up, he decided to try and go online, see what was new. He noticed his name mentioned and clicked on the link, which took him to an article about his release. It mostly talked about how tragic Naoko's story was and how Kouyou was a cold blooded killer. The more he read, the more upset he got, so he exited the article and decided to download and play a game instead to take his mind off it. He'd lived with a guilty conscience for a long time and people vilifying him didn't help with his mental state. 

After arriving back home, Kouyou changed back into his house clothes, grabbed something to eat and sat in front of the TV, deciding to play some games to help get his mind off things. But even an hour or two later, he couldn't stop thinking about his encounter with Takanori. Gosh, he looked so disgusted with him and angry and Kouyou still felt guilty. He was his best friend, even closer than Akira, and he was hurting because of Kouyou. He had hoped to make amends someday, but the other didn't even want to look at him, let alone give him the opportunity to atone for what he did. And Takanori had that right, Kouyou knew. Which was why he found it so hard not to feel the guilt and the shame.

Without fully realizing what he was doing, he curled up on the couch and started crying, his sobs increasing in volume as he let everything pour out of him. He was hugging his knees to his chest, feeling like he still needed to protect himself from something, even if he didn't know what exactly that was. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't notice the sun going down, his apartment now being bathed in the softness of twilight. But it felt soothing somehow, like no one could see him and it felt comfortable and protective, like a mother holding her child and soothing him. It was well into the evening when he stopped crying and felt utterly exhausted. He hadn't cried like that in a very long time, not since he lost Hiro a few years prior (when he had to hide his grief). He missed him dearly and would never forget him.

With that thought in mind, he sat up, wiped his tears away, and grabbed his phone, trying to look for any information about him, despite how drained he felt. His ashes were taken by his family and Kouyou decided he wanted to find out where he was resting and visit his grave. Searching for the information was thankfully distracting him from his current turmoil, he had something he could focus on that could take his mind off all the people he'd hurt.

He was surprised to find an article with Hiro's photo attached. Kouyou knew he had been an artist, but his friend didn't really talk about the art he created. However, the article he found also showed some of the paintings he created and one in particular caught his eye. The article was several years old and Kouyou wasn't sure how to go about tracking down the painting, but he was determined to do it. He needed at least a small part of the man who helped him through his toughest years, who was kind and gentle to him when he needed it the most. Kouyou, he… he loved Hiro. He never said the words to him, but he did. Hiro was imprisoned for the use and sale of recreational drugs and was given four years. Mere weeks before he was supposed to be released, Hiro was killed by one of the other inmates, which utterly destroyed Kouyou. 

Having lost the man he cared about as well made Kouyou retreat more into himself. He became quieter than before and didn't socialize much with others unless absolutely necessary. Someone spread a rumor that if anyone associated himself with Kouyou, they'd end up dead, so no one else dared to even approach him, which worked for Kouyou because he didn't want to talk to anyone. He'd spend his time reading and even volunteered to clean where the solitary confinement cells area, which was also a place he spent quite some time in after he was released from the psychiatric ward.

Kouyou found solitude and darkness to be comforting and being back in the real world felt overwhelming; he was doing his hardest to navigate it. Things changed a lot while he was away, it felt like he was in a completely different world, where technology evolved greatly and people seemed to have become more distant. Even on the train, he was surrounded by people and yet he felt alone, alienated from everything and everyone. 

Kouyou snapped back to reality from his thoughts and sighed deeply, still staring at Hiro's photo on his phone. It hurt seeing him again, but at least he felt  _ something. _ He didn't question his desire to feel any form of pain because he was afraid of the answer (which deep down, he already knew). However, maybe pain shouldn't be the answer and instead he should try and find things that give him pleasure. Writing always gave him a sense of purpose, but he felt he lost that; he hadn't written anything in years and he secretly dreaded doing it again. 

The next few days went by quickly and Kouyou didn't do much except play video games or go out to grab food or drinks. He did manage to find out the information he was looking for regarding his friend, but… doing something about it was much harder. He pinned the piece of paper with the address on the fridge for the time being, until he found the courage to go visit. Hiro was buried in his home town of Kanoya in Kagoshima prefecture, so Kouyou would have to make arrangements to fly there. Besides… he still had to attend to his parole duties and wasn't allowed to leave Tokyo for at least a few more months, so he had lots of time to build up the courage to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment below with your thoughts!
> 
> You can find me on Twitter @ Morgan_blk ✌
> 
> I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Let's hope 2021 is much better!


	5. Anxious thoughts

A few days after his very eventful weekend (having his one night stand and then seeing Takanori again), Kouyou received a letter that wasn't stamped or marked in any way, which meant it was probably hand delivered. When he opened it, he found a note that all it had written was the word 'murderer' printed in red ink. And for the next few days, he received similar letters, but the words turned to short messages which then turned to death threats. That went on for the whole week and Kouyou tried to find out who kept leaving them, but to no avail. Even if he didn't take them seriously, he was still a little terrified in the back of his mind that someone had his address and could easily act on their threats.

It continued almost daily for almost two weeks and Kouyou was becoming increasingly frustrated. He had even forgotten about his meeting with Yuu due to what was happening. But he felt he couldn't go to the police about it, he was certain they wouldn't believe him when they eventually saw his record. So Kouyou decided to just put up with it and see how long it was going to last for.

He decided to finally go out for a drink to get his mind off things. He arrived fairly early and it was only then that he remembered he was supposed to go there the week prior as well to meet Yuu. With a sigh, he sat in the same spot at the bar and ordered the same drink. He didn't really make much small talk with the bartender, but the latter did mention that Yuu had asked about him the week before. He was hopeful he'd see him again, but Kouyou was already three or four drinks in and he hadn't arrived. He was about to pay up and leave when the bartender prepared a glass of whiskey and set it on a spot on the bar next to him, just like the time they met. Kouyou turned his head around and saw Yuu walking up to the bar and felt… giddy?

"Looks like you didn't bail on me this week." Yuu chuckled as he sat down, glancing at Kouyou before greeting the bartender and thanking him for the drink. 

"I… couldn't come last week." Kouyou said and looked over at him. He was already feeling a little tipsy and had the urge to kiss those plump lips that brought him so much joy the last time. But he had to restrain himself in public. He didn't want a repeat of his first time there and get himself in a worse situation.

"Got a girlfriend I should know about?" Yuu teased, but it hit a sore point and Kouyou's face became gloomy. He probably noticed it because he quickly apologized. "Oh shit, sorry." He seemed genuine enough, so Kouyou didn't take it to heart.

"It's alright. I've had a rough week, so let's drink." He said and finished his fourth glass, signaling the bartender to get him another. He looked over at Yuu when he felt him stare. "What?"

"You look like you've had several drinks already, maybe you should slow down and let me catch up first." Kouyou blinked a few times as he let the words register in his head.

"I'm already, uh…. How many drinks in?" He asked the bartender who showed four fingers. "Think you can catch up soon?" He forgot how much alcohol lowered his inhibitions and his guard. Since his tolerance was still pretty low, he didn't realize quite how drunk he was, telling himself mentallt he was fine. He watched Yuu pick up his drink and down it like it was water.

"Oh I most certainly can. Who do you think I am?" He laughed softly, which made Kouyou's heart flutter for a moment. 

He placed his chin on his palm to support his head as he watched Yuu, humming. " You're the king of drunks, keeping everyone in check." Kouyou snorted, amused by his own words. The truth was, he wouldn't mind Yuu looking after him. There was just something about him that made Kouyou feel safe and even comfortable. 

"Damn right I am!" Yuu laughed and Kouyou felt relieved. He wasn't sure if what he said would offend the other or not. "Now, my drunk prince, why don't you have a glass of water until I can catch up?" He suggested and requested one from the bartender before Kouyou had the time to say no.

Kouyou hesitated, but then sighed and nodded. "Alright." He picked up the glass and drank half in one go. He was more thirsty than he thought, actually. Kouyou saw Yuu smile from the corner of his eye. Why was he being so obedient and listening to the man next to him?

"Good job! Now have some pretzels." Yuu nudged him.

"I don't want any." Kouyou replied back and looked at him. Gosh, his grinning face was so handsome! He found himself pursing his lips in order to stop himself from pulling Yuu closer to kiss him. The other just started laughing at him and Kouyou was a little confused.

"You don't need to pout, you know." He said once his laughter died down. "You're too much!" 

Kouyou had a faint smile seeing Yuu enjoying himself like that. He finally ordered another drink, but didn't drink it right away. Instead he listened to him talk about his day, hearing about his job. Yuu mentioned that he was head nurse at one of the local hospitals, mainly in the emergency room; he worked long hours and had even gone two weeks with only one day off and for the most part his work was rewarding despite how hard it was at times. 

Kouyou didn't speak much and was thankful that the other didn't push him to talk either unless he felt like it. Just having someone there was enough for him, although… he really hoped Yuu would go home with him. He shouldn't have been surprised how much he craved affection and human touch after being deprived of it for so long, and yet he was.

"Hey, uh… would you want to continue drinking at my place? It's too busy in here for my liking. My place isn't very far." Kouyou offered and saw the other think about it, which made him a little nervous. He prepared himself mentally to be rejected. But Yuu just smirked at him and nodded.

"If you have some good alcohol, I'm down." Yuu said, finishing his drink. Kouyou was amazed at how sober Yuu still looked.

"I have vodka and beers at home. Does that work?"

"Good enough for me! Whenever you're ready." Yuu said as he put his jacket on. Kouyou thought he looked so cool with his leather jacket… unlike himself who was wearing a hoodie over a plain shirt that night.

As soon as Kouyou was done, he paid for their tab, despite Yuu's protests, and left together with his new friend. On the short ride to his place, Kouyou didn't say much. Normally he'd feel anxious about having someone over, but due to his current state, he wasn't as bothered. He fumbled a little with his keys and managed to let them in.

"Sorry for the mess. I've had a rough week." Kouyou said and closed the door behind them once inside.

"Wow… your place is so spacious! You could probably host fifty people just in this room!" Yuu exclaimed as he stepped out of his shoes and walked further in.

"Make yourself comfortable." Kouyou said and went into the kitchen, which was separated from the main living room, to grab drinks and glasses. He completely forgot he left all his open hate letters on the coffee table, so when he went back to Yuu, he froze as he saw him read them with a dark look on.

"Who sent you these?" The man asked, looking upset. Kouyou didn't understand why he had that look on his face, but he hurried to place the drinks down and grab the papers from him.

"I don't know. But don't worry about them, they're not serious. It's probably some prank." Yuu didn't seem to want to let go of them as he looked at Kouyou. 

"You're getting death threat letters! And you have so many of them, I don't think it's just a prank. You need to contact the police about it."

"I'm an ex convict, the police won't do anything about it. And my parole officer will probably make it seem like it's my fault and I'll probably get sent back to jail. I… I can't go through that again." He felt slightly irritated as he spoke. Just thinking about possibly having to go back made him feel anxious. The living conditions were horrible and he didn't want to return there. He teared up slightly without realizing it and gripped some of the papers so tightly in his hands that his knuckles turned white. A few long moments passed before either of them said anything.

"I didn't think about that, I'm sorry. You don't deserve to be treated like this." Yuu said gently and got up, giving Kouyou's arm a light squeeze. 

"When I was sentenced, I had a very good, very expensive lawyer and instead of a life sentence I got twenty years in prison with the option for parole after ten years. The things I've seen and experienced there are things I'd never wish on even my worst enemy. If I don't cause any trouble for a full year, I will be free and won't have to live with the dread of returning. Until then, I don't want to cause any kind of commotion or stir the pot in any way. This includes me going to the police about these damn letters." Kouyou didn't know why he was talking about this, especially with someone he barely knew. He finally sat down with a sigh. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Maybe it's because no one else wants to give me the time of day. I don't even know why you're being so friendly to me either. I've been pretty much banished by society, why would you associate yourself with a criminal?" Kouyou couldn't stop talking and didn't even allow Yuu a word in edgewise as he ranted. "It will do you no good and might even destroy your own reputation."

"Kouyou, relax." He managed to say softly and took the papers away from Kouyou's hands, then sat down next to him. "Take a deep breath and relax. If you keep going like this, you'll start having a panic attack and those aren't fun." His voice was gentle and soothing and exactly what Kouyou needed. Kouyou closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "Alright, good. Now, try to think of something else, something positive." 

Kouyou didn't dare think about things from his past, so he settled on the time he'd spent with Yuu instead. As he did so, he felt Yuu hold his hands and give them a light squeeze.

"I'm putting the papers away." The brunet said and let go of his hands so he could fold them neatly and place them in a small stack.. "I don't think you should read them anymore. If you get more, don't open them, just set them to the side if you don't want to throw them out." He suggested, watching him carefully.

Kouyou nodded, then lowered his head a little. Why was it so easy to be vulnerable around this man without feeling afraid? It was his second time meeting him, why did he feel he could trust him with such ease?

"Why don't we watch a movie for now instead?" Yuu suggested and got up, taking the letters into the kitchen so they weren't in Kouyou's view. By the time he returned, Kouyou had turned on the tv and put on Netflix (his brother-in-law taught him how to do it). Yuu sat down next to him and handed a drink to Kouyou, who nodded as thanks.

Kouyou was trying his hardest to be present in the moment and not let his anxiety get the best of him. Maybe he should try therapy again… it helped a lot after he had a big breakdown after being imprisoned, although it took quite a while to recover. He–

His thoughts were interrupted by Yuu who snuggled up to him.

"What do you feel like watching?" He asked and Kouyou just shrugged. He didn't know what movies were popular, so it didn't matter to him. He could feel the faint scent of the cologne Yuu used, the one that oddly soothed him. He couldn't help himself from leaning in and taking it in slightly.

"You always smell so good." He whispered, ignoring Yuu's question, which seemed to surprise the other.

"I had a shower today." He said cheekily and turned to look at Kouyou. Their faces were so close that it almost startled Kouyou.

"I…" should he say it? Should he tell Yuu how much he already enjoyed his presence? "I don't have your phone number." Of course he'd chicken out. It was hard for him to express his feelings without having a wave of anxiety and doubt hit him.

"I'll give it to you later." Yuu added softly. "You can kiss me if you want to, you don't have to hesitate like this." He breathed and looked up at Kouyou. And the latter didn't need any other push as he leaned in to kiss him, a little hesitant at first. It was a much softer kiss than before as Yuu reciprocated and Kouyou gently cupped the side of his face, bringing him closer. The tenderness of the moment sent butterflies flying in Kouyou's stomach. It was a strange feeling, but it wasn't foreign or unpleasant to him.

He pulled Yuu closer as he continued kissing him, trembling ever so slightly under his touch as Yuu straddled him and wrapped his arms around his neck. It felt good. It felt  _ so  _ good to be held and touched like that. It felt very intimate and warm and Kouyou wanted more.

"You got me so hot and bothered." Yuu whispered as he broke the kiss. "I need you to fuck me now." He said and kissed down Kouyou's jaw. And Kouyou had no choice but to comply, so he let go of him and grabbed his wrist instead, leading him to the bedroom. The truth was, Kouyou was already aroused, but just didn't know how to initiate things, it made him feel awkward. 

Yuu quickly took the lead again and pushed Kouyou on the bed, straddling his hips. Their limbs quickly tangled and their lips met in a passionate kiss as Yuu started grinding his hips down on Kouyou, who let out a soft moan.

It wasn't long until their clothes were strewn all over the bed and floor, moans and soft groans filling the room. Being so close to Yuu felt amazing, probably even better than the first time as he seemed to know what he was doing and showed Kouyou a great time. He felt excited to have that kind of connection again and to experience the warmth of the other's body. And when they climaxed, Kouyou threw caution to the wind and held the other close, unashamed of his craving for his touch.

"Mm that was good." Yuu said after a while, allowing Kouyou to hold him close. "For someone who's so rusty, you sure have good moves." He teased and Kouyou chuckled softly. He felt very relaxed and in that moment he did his best to keep his anxiety at bay. 

"It's all you. I can't help myself from touching you." He admitted, blushing a little at his own confession. 

"You can touch me all you want, pretty boy." Yuu said and finally pulled Kouyou's long, black hair out of its tie, the tresses forming a dark halo that framed his face beautifully. "You should wear your hair down like this too, it's beautiful." He said softly and leaned in to peck his lips.

"I'll wear it down for you." He promised. Kouyou had been growing his hair for a few years now and it was down to the middle of his back. He did consider cutting it for a while now since he felt he needed to change it. "Can I ask you something?" He asked softly. 

"Go for it." Yuu moved just enough to pull the cover over them.

"Why do you and… your ex? Think that I'm innocent?" Yuu turned around to face him as Kouyou spoke, wrapping an arm around his waist.

"Well… Yutaka thinks something didn't make sense. Why don't I introduce you two? Maybe he can help." He suggested, running his fingers through Kouyou's hair. "He can explain it better than I can."

"Um… wouldn't it be awkward for you? Since he's your ex." He shifted so he could look at Yuu. 

"Nah, we're still friends. With occasional benefits." He shrugged. 

"May I ask why you broke up?" Kouyou found himself mindlessly rubbing over Yuu's side as he held him close with one arm.

"Well… we both work a lot and never see each other. It was too hard to make it work. He's a detective and he's very dedicated to his job. And… I would also get too worried when he didn't come home. He got hurt more than once and one time he even ended up in my emergency room. I… couldn't do it anymore. I had too many things happening at the time too." Yuu's story made Kouyou feel sad. He was clearly a good person and had a lot of love to give.

"Do you still love him?" He asked softly and Yuu fell silent. Kouyou took that as a yes and felt a bit guilty. "It's okay if you do. Whatever your arrangement is, make sure you cherish those moments together." He said gently. 

"Hey, I'm supposed to be cheering you up, not the other way around." Yuu chuckled, but snuggled up more to Kouyou, which made the latter laugh softly. Yuu was so endearing! "You're really sweet, you know. There's no way you could hurt anyone." Kouyou blushed slightly at the compliment.

"But I'm not–"

"Hush. Kiss me instead of denying what's true." Yuu grinned at him, watching him for a moment. As he looked up at Yuu, Kouyou felt something stir inside him. It was a soft yet electric moment and Kouyou couldn't take his eyes off him. It was a strange feeling he had, although not unwelcome. 

He was going to take his own advice and cherish any moment he had with Yuu without question. Who knew, maybe Yuu would grow tired of him soon, so he wanted to hold onto the feeling and hopefully keep the memories. 

After they were done with their second round, they spent the rest of the evening wrapped around each other, neither of them saying anything for a long time. Kouyou was caught up in his own thoughts and didn't even notice when Yuu fell asleep. He looked so peaceful that Kouyou really didn't want to move so he wouldn't wake him up. He settled in a more comfortable position and held the other, allowing himself to sleep as well. This time, peacefully.


	6. Coming Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Sorry it took longer to update. I've been a little busy lately.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Kouyou woke up with a start the next morning from a dream he couldn't remember. All that was left was a lingering feeling of dread inside his chest. But he relaxed when he felt a warm body snuggling closer to him and he realized where he was: in his own bed, holding a very naked Yuu close as the room was filled with the faint light of dawn. He didn't dare move as the other was sleeping peacefully in his arms. He smelled faintly of sandalwood and bergamot and something else he didn't recognize, but was a very alluring scent.

His thoughts started to drift away again and he remembered his mornings with Naoko, how he'd wake up first and watch her as she slept, then woke up with a smile on her lips. They would always make breakfast in their underwear, she'd make the food and he'd prepare the coffee and sometimes they’d switch. He remembered being so very in love with her and so happy every time he saw her, she was the light of his eyes and his favourite person in the world. She was sweet and kind and was bright like the sun, warming up Kouyou's life and heart. 

He unconsciously held Yuu closer and let out a deep, quiet sigh. He loosened his grip when he heard some mumbles coming from his arms.

"You don't need to suffocate me." Yuu grumbled sleepily and settled back against Kouyou. 

"Sorry." He said quietly. "I should go out and buy breakfast, I don't have a lot of food left. You can continue sleeping if you want."

"Or we could order it so neither of us has to leave." Yuu suggested and pressed a kiss to his collarbone. "And while we wait, you could help with a little problem I have." As he spoke, he pressed his hips against Kouyou's leg to show him how hard he was. For some reason, that made Kouyou blush and he nodded. "Great! We can order something from Starbucks and get coffee too." He said and pecked his lips before untangling himself to look for his phone. Once he got it, he opened the app and snuggled back under the blanket with Kouyou. 

Yuu quickly made his decision, then handed the phone to Kouyou to choose something. But the former pressed light kisses to his neck and jaw, making it difficult for Kouyou to pay attention. However, once he was done and the order was placed, Yuu took the phone and dropped it somewhere before pulling Kouyou close and kissing him.

And Kouyou didn't mind. He realized he loved kissing Yuu and touching him; it was almost as if he was addicted to him like a drug. Maybe that's what Yuu was, his new drug that he could consume guilt-free.

A knock on the door was heard a little while later, just as the two finished their morning activities.

"That's probably our food. I'll go get it." Yuu said and kissed him again before getting up and pulling his boxers on and Kouyou's shirt. 

Kouyou took the opportunity and stretched. He thought about the past few weeks and the emotional rollercoaster he was on from the moment he moved back into his apartment. It all felt so surreal…

"Um… so it wasn't our food." Yuu said as he walked back into the bedroom. "There's this hot dude who says he's your friend. Light brown hair? Smells like a cinnamon roll? He just walked inside."

Crap. It was Akira. He wasn’t expecting him and he definitely didn’t want to tell him about Yuu just yet.

"Shit. Um… what did you tell him?" He asked as he got up and grabbed some clothes to put on.

"I didn't really say anything, just that I'll come and get you. I'll wait in here if that's okay." 

Kouyou nodded and finished getting dressed, then hesitated before he kissed Yuu. "Please. I'm not… I'm not out to anyone. Well, I guess I am now." He could tell Yuu was surprised, but he'd worry about that later. As he left, he closed the door to the bedroom.

"Akira? What are you doing here?" He asked, seeing his friend standing in the living room. He was holding the hate letters Kouyou got and reading through them. Seeing that, he walked over and snatched them from him. The look on his face was a little strange, Kouyou noted.

"Oh, hey Kou!" He smiled. "I thought I'd drop by and hang out with you, maybe do brunch. It's almost noon, so…"

Kouyou frowned slightly. He didn't like people showing up unannounced.

"Akira, you can't just drop by without letting me know." he pressed his lips together, not happy with how intrusive Akira was. Was he always that way and Kouyou just didn’t notice? Or was it new?

"Oh, sorry… I thought a bit of spontaneity would help. The last time I saw you, you didn't look so great, so I thought I'd come to cheer you up. But… it seems you already have a guest." He glanced around the room, almost as if he was looking for something… or someone. "Is… he going to join us?"

"Akira, come back later." He said, but the other sat down, making himself comfortable. 

"But I miss hanging out with you." He said innocently. "And I'll be away all next week and can't hang out." 

Akira was testing his patience. He was torn about what to do. Should he kick Akira out or should he ask Yuu to leave? Truth be told, he'd rather Akira leave since he was so insistent. But he'd known him for almost twenty years, while he only knew Yuu for a few weeks. He sighed, giving in.

"Fine. Go wait in the kitchen for now." He said and went into the bedroom, closing the door. He noticed Yuu almost fully dressed. "I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting him to come over."

"It's okay. I'll just go. Do you mind if I borrow your shirt? Mine's in the living room somewhere."

"No, of course not. I'll bring it next time I see you." Kouyou said and walked over to him. "I really enjoy spending time with you. I hope I can see you again soon." He said softly and wrapped an arm around his waist loosely. Yuu smiled up at him.

"I do too. I have another day off during the week, maybe we can see each other then?" He kissed him softly. "I've left you my phone number, so make sure to text me." 

"I will, I promise. I'm sorry our morning was cut short." He said gently. 

"No, don't worry about it. I'll get the food and drinks on my way out, they should be here soon.. I'm hungry after how much you worked me." He chuckled and let go of him.

Kouyou hesitated before letting him go too, then pulled his hair in a half ponytail to make it look neater. 

"Oh gosh, that makes you look even sexier." Yuu commented and chuckled before opening the door. 

Kouyou quickly looked to see if Akira was out there before leading Yuu to the front door. They soon said their goodbyes and Yuu left, Kouyou locking up after him.

"I didn't know you were gay." Akira popped up behind him, startling Kouyou. 

"What? No, I'm not. I'm bi." He shrugged and walked past him into the kitchen to find something for them to eat. And maybe he had some leftover coffee somewhere too. He was feeling cranky because his quiet morning with Yuu was interrupted by Akira. 

"He seemed… nice. Where did you two meet?" Akira asked, following him.

"Akira, no offense, but I don't want to talk about it. Coffee?" He looked at him and when Akira nodded, he prepared two mugs. "I only have instant coffee, so we'll have to make do with it."

"That's okay with me." Akira smiled a little at him. "I thought we could watch a movie or play a game. And then order lunch." 

Kouyou was feeling irritated, but did his best to contain himself. Maybe it was just because he hadn't had anything to eat yet that made him feel that way, besides Akira just showing up at his place unannounced. It felt like his privacy was invaded and he didn't appreciate it, especially since he wanted to keep Yuu a secret for the time being. Taking in a deep breath, he tried to ground himself before his feelings and thoughts got out of hand.

"Kou, is everything okay?" He heard Akira ask in a gentle tone. "I saw the letters you got. Is there anything I can do?" 

Kouyou hesitated as he thought about them. "No, it's okay. It's probably nothing. I think people are still angry about what happened and I'm sure the address got leaked back then." He shrugged, trying to rationalize it for himself. It was possible, right? For others to still hold a grudge even after so long.

"Maybe you should go to the police, just in case." Akira suggested.

Kouyou sighed and handed him a cup of coffee once it was done. "I don't trust the police to help me, seeing as I'm an ex convict. No one will care." He muttered his last sentence. "Let's go play something. I recently bought a Playstation console and some games." He had nothing better to do for the time being besides doing the community service he was forced to and playing games. He had enough money that he didn't have to find a job just yet. Who would hire him anyway? 

Kouyou managed to relax a little as they started playing and even let down some of his walls as he noticed that nothing really had changed between them. They started reminiscing over lunch (they ended up ordering pizza) and talked about their childhood and teenage years and all the shenanigans they were up to, which helped Kouyou feel a lot more at ease. It was just like good old times, except for one thing: Takanori was missing.

"Hey, Akira… did Taka say anything about me at all these past years?" He asked, feeling nostalgic and sad.

"Hm? Well… he grieved Naoko for a long time. He was a complete mess for a few months after the trial and then he disappeared for about two years. When he returned, he looked a little better, but he had also changed into this cold, uptight person. One time we got drunk and he told me how angry he was with you, but that he also missed you. I think he's still conflicted over how to feel about you."

"Well… the anger still seems to be there. I wish I could see him again, but I know he'll never forgive me." He sighed. "Is he doing better now? I've seen him mentioned a lot in the media and it seems that he's very successful."

"On a financial and social side, he's doing amazing. But he lives alone and doesn't really have any other friends besides me. He works a lot." 

Kouyou nodded, feeling his chest tighten. Takanori was such a fun and cheeky person before it all happened and hearing him change so much broke Kouyou's heart. He didn't deserve the pain he experienced and he felt responsible for it. But even if Takanori gave him the time of day, what would he even say? Where would he start? An apology wouldn't cut it, it had to be something more, something that meant more than just words. But Kouyou couldn't think of anything.

"I can try and talk to him again if you want me to." Akira offered after a few moments of silence. But Kouyou just shook his head.

"No, it's okay. Not for now, at least. I'm not ready." He said and started up a game so they could drop the subject. He wasn't sure he could handle more emotions for the time being. 

Akira spent most of the day with him, playing games and watching movies. It was a relaxed atmosphere and Kouyou even laughed a few times at whatever joke or silly thing Akira said or did. It felt so strange not to be so aware of his anxious thoughts all the time or to feel insecure and even scared. He found himself thinking about how he felt pretty much the same around Yuu despite the short time they'd spent together. Maybe it was just the fact that the sex they had helped with his stress, but Kouyou found himself smiling slightly at the thought of his nurse. 

When Akira finally left, Kouyou sighed softly, feeling too many things at once: his high anxiety levels mixed with feelings of warmth and longing, as well as grief and guilt. It was confusing and it was making his head spin. 

He decided to go out for a walk to clear his head and grab some more food, but first, he grabbed Yuu's number and added it to his contacts. He felt nervous for some reason and hesitated to text.  _ Here goes nothing _ , he thought to himself.

Me: So I finally have your number. Sorry for this morning. I wish it didn't end so abruptly.

After he sent it, he changed quickly and left his apartment. He walked leisurely down the street, thankful for the slow loss of light. He felt more at ease when he could hide his face better under the cover of darkness, he felt safer as it was less likely he'd get recognized. 

Ever since he was released, he noticed people staring at or even pointing at him ever so often whenever he'd get recognized. He'd been considering altering his look so he wouldn't be so easily noticed. But now that he knew Yuu liked his long hair, he was having a hard time making that decision. Speaking of the devil, Kouyou was brought back from his thoughts by the buzzing of his phone.

Yuu: finally! Don't worry about it, I understand. How was the rest of your day?

Me: it was ok. Caught up with my friend and played some games. Nothing too exciting

Yuu: that's pretty good! Are you free this Friday? I have two tickets to a concert and I was wondering if you'd be interested. It's a Metallica cover band

Me: that sounds interesting. I'll go. I love Metallica

Yuu: sweet! It's at a live hall in Shibuya. I'll text you the details. 

Kouyou smiled to himself. He felt excited to go and allowed himself to revel in the feeling before it went away.

Me: great! Thanks! It's been a very long time since I went to a show.

They continued texting while Kouyou had his walk and picked up a few things from the convenience store. Kouyou learned that Yuu's favourite band was Luna Sea and that he'd been to many of their shows. He was surprised to read about all the bands the other liked and many of them Kouyou shared a love for. When they moved onto movies, Kouyou was amused at how Yuu tried to convince him that Star Trek is superior to Star Wars, but despite how strongly he felt about it, he promised Kouyou they'd watch the new movies together, seeing how Kouyou hadn't watched the new installments.

His heart felt light with childish joy and he welcomed it with open arms. Even if the world was against him, he chose to trust this man and so far he had nothing to fear. Their conversations were light and didn't touch any subject that might be sensitive for Kouyou and he appreciated it. 

He didn't even realize he was starting to develop feelings for his beautiful stranger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are love and comments feed my soul <3


	7. New Friends and Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I apologize for the delayed chapter. Been a little busy recently. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Having someone to talk to so effortlessly was a blessing. It felt so easy to talk to Yuu, even just over text. He looked forward to receiving messages from him whenever he had the time, seeing how much he worked. Even the growing stack of hate letters and death threats couldn't affect his new found feeling of hope. Hope that he didn't have to be and wasn’t going to be alone anymore.

Wednesday came quickly and Kouyou soon found himself making his way over to the venue. He was surprised to see there wasn't a line outside, but he wasn't too worried about it. That meant there were less people inside and less chances of Kouyou feeling anxious. As he went in, loud music was blaring over the speakers, and the band hadn't started yet. He looked around for Yuu and saw him waving him over to a booth. He seemed to be with someone else, so Kouyou just bowed slightly at them once he got there.

"I'm so glad you made it! Here, come sit down." Yuu said and scooted over to the middle to make space for him. "Yuta, I'd like you to meet Takashima Kouyou." He grinned and Kouyou looked over at the other man present. "Kouyou, this is Uke Yutaka, my… friend." He seemed a little sheepish as he said the last word.

"No way,  _ the  _ Takashima-san?" The man now known as Yutaka looked at him shocked. "It's an honor to meet you! I–"

"Yuta, calm down. Don't scare him away." Yuu interrupted, chuckling. "I told you I wasn't lying." 

Kouyou watched their interaction mildly amused and used it as an excuse to study Yutaka. He seemed nice overall and had handsome features. When he smiled, his dimple showed and it gave his good-looking face an air of innocence, almost sweetness. Yuu mentioned Yutaka was a detective, but he looked nothing like one. At least not the ones he'd studied for his books nor the ones who worked on his case, who had a serious or even crusty disposition.

Kouyou took off his jacket and set it on the spot next to him, then took his long, luscious, black hair out of his hair tie. It was a metal show, might as well look more the part. He noticed Yuu looking at him with the same expression he had whenever he initiated things between them and the thought of it made Kouyou feel excited. Feeling wanted by someone was such an exhilarating experience at times.

"I uh… I'm going to get a drink. Anything I can get for you two?" He asked, glancing from Yuu to Yutaka. 

"Sadly, what I want can't be acquired from the bar." Yuu said with a sly smile as he rested his chin on his palm, looking at Kouyou with fire in his eyes. He was so thankful it was dark inside the bar so the two couldn't see the blood rush to his face. "But I'll have a beer." 

"Nothing for me, thank you! I still need to finish mine." Yutaka smiled at him and Kouyou was a little taken aback at how attractive he looked with his medium length brown hair, white button down shirt and leather jacket. Who wore white to a metal show?

Kouyou nodded and got up, making his way over to the bar. He returned a while later with drinks for all three of them (he got another of the same drink Yutaka was holding), and set them down. Yutaka's eyes seemed to widen slightly when he did so and thanked him several times. It felt almost as if the other was treating him like a famous person and Kouyou didn't want that, it made him feel somewhat uncomfortable. He didn’t want to deal with fame anymore, he’d had enough of it.

"The show's about to start, let's go closer." Yuu said and got up, nudging Yutaka to get up too. 

"I'll watch from here if you don't mind. I don't really like crowds." Kouyou said and saw Yuu smile softly and nod.

"If you change your mind, come join us." Yuu said and grabbed Yutaka's wrist, pulling him away into the standing area in front of the stage..

The club was designed in such a way that as you enter there are a few booths on one side and the bar on the other, with tables in between. As you walk further in, a few steps on each side of the sound engineering station led to the standing area right in front of the stage. It was a decently sized place and probably two hundred people could easily fit inside. At the moment, it didn't seem very busy and his two companions had lots of space to headbang and move around.

Kouyou sipped his drink as he watched the show, his gaze landing on the two after the second song. Yuu and Yutaka were headbanging and singing at each other and just overall enjoying themselves, which brought a sense of joy to Kouyou. They seemed so carefree, so unburdened by difficult experiences and with a genuine love for life. 

He didn't even realize he was smiling widely and laughing as he enjoyed both the band and the other two's antics. After a couple more songs, Yuu returned to the table and grabbed his drink to quench his thirst. Kouyou saw him smile widely in his direction, which gave him a soft and warm feeling inside his chest. He could see sweat glisten on his skin as he sat down for a moment and Kouyou couldn't find him more attractive. 

"You seem to be having fun." Kouyou had to lean in and almost yell for the other to hear him. 

"It's so fun! You should come join us." Yuu said back, looking at him.

"Maybe later." Kouyou said and barely managed to tear his eyes off him. "Uke-san is definitely enjoying it." He commented. Yuu only grinned in response and gave Kouyou's thigh a light squeeze under the table before getting up again and heading back. 

It had been such a long time since he enjoyed himself like that. He did his best to push down his anxiety and just have some good, old fashioned fun. Even just sitting there and taking it all in was–

His thoughts were perturbed by someone sitting next to him, someone he didn't know.

"I saw you earlier and I thought you're very handsome. And that I'd like to have a drink with you." The voice was slightly higher pitched and when he turned to see who it was, he was taken a little by surprise to see a young and very beautiful woman smiling coyly at him. And while he felt flattered, he also felt a bit uncomfortable with her sitting so close to him. It threw him off and didn't know what to say or how to really react.

"I'm here with someone." He managed to say and glanced to the floor area.

"I know, I've seen you with your friends. But wouldn't you rather spend some time with me instead, keep me company?" She pouted cutely at him. He had a feeling she wasn’t exactly sober and he didn’t want to be responsible for her state at all.

"Miss, I–" he felt trapped and was trying to figure out how to escape her. Nothing against her, but strangers walking up to him made him very nervous. And when she placed her hand on his thigh, it made him go pale. How could he escape now? He didn’t want strangers, even beautiful ones, touching him.

As if some divine force smiled down on him, Yuu showed up again and was standing right next to her. 

"Baby, you should really come join us–" Kouyou was shocked to hear Yuu use that word to refer to him. "Oh, hello. I hope you don't mind, but I need to borrow my husband." Yuu smiled sweetly at her and Kouyou thought he was going to have a stroke or a heart attack or something. His husband?? Did he hear that right? His heart started beating faster and he felt he was going to suffocate, the shock was too much, hearing those words so suddenly.

He didn't even notice when the girl left or the look on her face, he only snapped out of it when Yuu sat down instead.

"I saw you from the floor and you didn't look very comfortable. Sorry for the things I've said to her, but it was the only way to make her leave without causing a scene." Yuu smiled sheepishly. Kouyou was thankful to all deities he believed in that Yuu couldn't see how his face went from white as snow to red as a cherry. It was a whirlwind of emotions that he was feeling in that moment and Yuu's sweet smile didn't help! 

"I–" he was at a loss for words. "Thank you." He managed after a few moments. Yuu leaned in close to him and spoke in his ear.

"You look so hot tonight. Too bad I have work in the morning." His voice sent shivers down Kouyou's spine. Why was he teasing him like this?? Kouyou didn't know how to respond back, his face turning a deeper shade of pink. He wasn't used to compliments and he wasn't used to attractive men hitting on him so brazenly in public (not that he minded). He pursed his lips slightly, unable to look at him.

"You're such a tease." He managed and allowed Yuu to place his hand on his thigh where the young lady from earlier had hers. But he didn't tense up this time, it was a welcome touch, a soothing one. The other's laughter, although drowned out by the loud music, was clear like crystal for him, hitting all the right chords within his heart.

Not long after, Yutaka joined them too, looking spent. He downed his whole drink, then stood up and announced he was getting another round for them. While he waited at the bar, the concert came to an end and the music changed as it came on to the smaller speakers.

"You two seemed to enjoy yourselves." Kouyou said with a small smile, finishing his drink. He couldn't stop himself from reaching over and moving some hairs from Yuu's eyes. He really wished in that moment that the two were alone, in the privacy of his own home. He was taken a little by surprise when Yuu caught his wrist gently and pulled his hand closer to him, maintaining eye contact. 

He couldn't continue his thoughts as Yutaka returned with their drinks and Yuu slowly let go of his hand. Kouyou pulled it back and cleared his throat, then thanked Yutaka for the drink and tried to settle his fluttering heart.

"Man, the show was great! I haven't headbanged in so long!" Yutaka laughed as he drank some of his beer. "This band is pretty good, I bet they'd make even better music if they created original work." 

Kouyou looked at him as he spoke so passionately and full of excitement. He could probably light up the whole hall with his buzzing energy, which he found to be quite thrilling. He was like a bright and hot sun that pulled you in, while Yuu was soft and warm like the moon, gentle in touch and demeanor. Well, with an added sassy and sarcastic side to him. Being around Yuu was calming, but being around both of them filled Kouyou with a desire to live and enjoy every moment. He didn't even realize how much he needed something like that. 

He had zoned out as he compared the two and analyzed them to an extent and was brought back to reality by Yuu gently rubbing his thigh.

"Huh? Sorry, I got distracted." He blinked to regain his focus. 

"I was just asking if you liked the show." Yutaka said, a dazzling smile on his lips.

"I did. The instruments sound exactly like the original, but I like how the vocals were a bit different. Choosing a frontwoman was a bold and excellent move." He saw Yutaka's smile broaden at that and nodded.

"I agree! So many people weren't that interested until they did their first live show." Yutaka continued to talk about the band, adding in all sorts of tidbits about them. Kouyou was just fascinated about how invested the man was and how much passion he had in him.

It reminded him about the times he would get hyper focused whenever he worked on a book, how it was one of the only things he'd talk about for weeks until he got most of the story written down. He got distracted again by Yuu's hand that was still on his thigh, his fingers now gently rapping against the fabric of his pants. 

"Would you two want to come over and continue drinking?" Kouyou asked once Yutaka paused for a moment. "The noise in here is getting to be a little too much for me." After so much time spent in his cell or solitary confinement, loud places tended to be overwhelming. 

"That's a great idea. Right, Yuta?" Yuu looked over at the other, who nodded.

"I'd be honored!" He grinned, which warmed Kouyou's heart a little. 

Once they were done with their drinks, they left the club. Kouyou noticed the young woman from earlier was staring at him with a pout, which made him look away quickly and step closer to the other two. He didn't even know why he was scared to interact with her or even turn her down.

They took the subway from near the club to Kouyou's neighborhood. He lived in a somewhat affluent area, so it was pretty quiet on the street at that time of night. All three were slightly tipsy and his two companions had their arms linked to keep themselves steady, giggling at all sorts of things they were talking about. Kouyou had his hands in his pockets, listening to their shenanigans, amused. They quickly stopped at a convenience store and Yuu convinced Yutaka to go in and get the drinks. 

As the other was in the store, Yuu pulled Kouyou to the side where it was darker and kissed him deeply. It surprised him, but Kouyou wrapped an arm around his waist, holding him close.

"I want to have sex with both of you tonight. But I wanted to at least kiss you if that's not happening." Yuu admitted, their lips brushing against each other as he spoke. Kouyou found that idea rather… exciting. He'd never had a threesome before and was willing to give it a try. Just as he was about to reply, Yutaka came out, holding three bags.

"I thought I'd get us some food too–" he stopped when he saw the two and Kouyou pulled away, feeling a little awkward. Yutaka looked a little hurt and it made Kouyou feel guilty. 

"Um… let me help you with those." Kouyou offered and took two of the bags from Yutaka, who looked at him with a strange expression. They were all silent as they walked to Kouyou's place. The silence was broken once they entered the building. 

"Are… are you two in a relationship?" Yutaka asked quietly, sounding like he was heartbroken. Kouyou's face turned pink almost instantly and wanted to say something. But what?

"No, we're drinking buddies with benefits." Yuu answered instead as he stepped closer to Yutaka, wrapping his arm around his shoulders. His word hurt Kouyou for some reason, even if they were the truth. Yutaka seemed to relax at his words.

And then it dawned on him. Yutaka was in love with Yuu! It made sense that he'd be upset if Yuu was with someone else. But then… where did that leave Kouyou? What did it mean for him? He knew he was attracted to Yuu, but did he feel more for him than that and friendship? He didn't pay attention to their hushed conversation as he was deep in thought, leading them quietly up to his place. They soon reached his apartment and he let them in. Yutaka gasped quietly, which made Kouyou look over at him.

"I can't believe I'm in here. I've only ever seen case photos of this place." He spoke quietly, looking around in awe. Kouyou's good mood dissipated as he heard him say that and silently slipped out of his shoes, going inside. He heard a light smack and a quiet 'ouch' behind him, but didn't turn around to see what had happened. 

Did he make a mistake by inviting Yutaka too? Was he only there because of the obsession he had with his case, like Yuu mentioned before? Was this going to be another invasion of his privacy? His thoughts started to downspiral as he stood in the kitchen, about to put some of the drinks away in the fridge. But he was brought back by a pair of arms gently wrapping around his waist from behind, body pressing against his back. 

"Don't mind him. He gets easily excited, especially when he drinks. He's a fairly serious person when sober." Yuu spoke softly. Kouyou relaxed a little as he felt the other's warmth, then nodded. He didn't really want to talk about his past with Yutaka, not when he was so vulnerable. "Come on, let's drink and watch a movie. Unless you have any board games." He let go of Kouyou and smiled at him. And what a sweet smile it was…

"I think I have an old monopoly game somewhere. I still have a few boxes I haven't unpacked." He thought it might be in his office that was still very much unpacked. He didn't have any drive to write, so why bother setting it up?

"Let's go look for it." Yuu grinned and grabbed his hand, pulling him back into the living room. "Yuta, he has a monopoly game. Come help us find it."

Kouyou didn't object, following him out and then leading the way to the closed office. A gorgeous mahogany desk was placed in the middle of the room, boxes and bags strewn all over. He didn't even have curtains up, which made it look more like a messy storage space than anything. 

"Okay, I'm coming back on my day off and helping you set this all up." Yuu said and picked up a box, opening it. Kouyou was a bit taken aback at how brazen Yuu was in picking up boxes and going through his personal belongings. Although most of them had books and manuscripts in them and some had other decorations Kouyou originally had in his office.

"Woah, this is the Author of the Year award! So cool!" Yutaka exclaimed as he pulled out a fancy looking glass statuette that had Kouyou's name and year carved into the wooden base. 

In a box that he picked up, he found a framed photo of him and Naoko from when he proposed to her. It tugged heavily at his heartstrings and he gently touched the glass. He missed her dearly.

"She was beautiful." Yuu said gently as he looked at the photo too. "You two made a very cute couple." His words saddened Kouyou, so he put the photo down gently, tucking it back into the box. 

"Found it!" Yutaka said and pulled out the game. "It's a Star Wars themed one!" Yutaka grinned as he held it up, eliciting a groan from Yuu and a light chuckle from Kouyou. They then left the room, with Kouyou closing the door behind them, with a lingering look at the box where he kept the photo in.

"How about we bend the rules a bit and do strip monopoly?" Yuu smirked as he handed the other two a drink each that he got from the kitchen, then sat down between them. "And the winner picks his prize." Kouyou could tell Yuu was up to no good, seeing that mischievous smile on his beautiful face. 

"I don't know if that's fair, you're really good at it." Yutaka said with a light pout. They went back and forth for a few minutes, playfully arguing about it.

"It sounds interesting." Kouyou said in the end and started setting it up. Worst case scenario, he'd end up naked and it wasn't like he wasn't naked in front of other men before. But he had this little fire starting to burn inside him with the desire of winning the game. "And the losers have to do anything the winner says." He looked over at Yuu who looked intrigued and up for some fun. Yutaka gave in with a light huff and so they started the game.

As they played, they managed to finish about half the alcohol they bought, which fuelled their growing excitement. It was a tight game with each of them losing clothes and gaining worlds and capital. Kouyou was feeling euphoric and very relaxed around the two. He managed to keep his boxers and shirt on, using feeling cold as an excuse. The truth was, he felt self conscious about the marks on his body, various scars littered across it.

His inhibitions were lowered and Kouyou found himself giggling and chuckling along with the rambunctious couple next to him. He didn't even remember the last time he was like that with Akira and Takanori… it was probably in their university days, when their only responsibility was to study. Those were much simpler days…

"Ha! I won! Once again, I'm the king of–" Yuu startled Kouyou with his reaction, almost jumping up from his spot, but Yutaka laughed.

"You're Darth Vader, chill." Yutaka laughed, teasing him. It was funny to Kouyou too since Yuu was definitely a Trekkie. 

"Live long and prosper, Darth Vader." Kouyou tried to suppress his smile as he made the Vulcan sign with his hand.

"Hey! Why are you both being so mean to me?" Yuu whined, but also laughed at the same time. He sat back against the couch (they had moved to the floor so as not to lean over too much over the coffee table) and grinned at the other two.

"So what is thy bidding, my Master?" Yutaka snickered, which made Kouyou laugh softly. "Since you won the game. Again."

With a grin, Yuu whispered something in Yutaka's ear, who turned even redder. "Oh gosh, I can't do that! It's…" What could've Yuu said to turn Yutaka speechless? And a blushing mess too.

"How about I start it, then?" He glanced at Yutaka, then looked over at Kouyou before crawling over and straddling his lap. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and leaned in, kissing him deeply.

It took Kouyou by surprise and he wasn't sure how to react, mostly because of Yutaka's presence. But the rolling of hips on his own drew out a quiet moan from him and he reigned in his anxiety, letting Yuu's warmth and the scent of sandalwood and bergamot envelop him. It wasn't long until he felt his long hair being played with and Yuu broke the kiss, only to pull Yutaka closer and share it with him instead. The way the two kissed made Kouyou's blood rush to his nether region, finding the sight arousing. It was almost as if he was under his siren's spell yet again, this time joined by another mortal soul who would get lost in his beauty and succumb to his wiles.

As if in a daze, they moved their activities into the bedroom, where it would be a lot more comfortable. Yuu pushed Yutaka down on the bed and straddled him, then pulled Kouyou to sit behind him. He was a greedy little minx who wanted them both at the same time and… who was Kouyou to say no to this force of nature that was slowly taking over his heart?

It was strange, exhilarating and erotic and Kouyou found himself kissing Yutaka too at Yuu's silent behest. The detective's kiss was firmer and more assertive than Yuu's soft lips and slow pace. And yet, he found himself enjoying it and enjoying touching the new addition whose body was much more toned and defined and whose inky eyes shimmered with desire. There was a beautiful darkness behind them, a much slower paced storm that took longer to erupt and Kouyou was certain that when it did, it would wreak even more havoc on whoever set it free.

Lust filled moans pierced the air in the room from the tangled mess of limbs on the bed. As per his request, both men filled Yuu up completely, taking it slower so he wouldn't get hurt. It was a mystifying experience for Kouyou, who obediently did what was asked of him, pressing kisses along Yuu's shoulders as he helped stabilize him while they moved together. What a wonderful, weird and satisfying experience. 

As they finished, Kouyou went to grab some tissues to get them all somewhat cleaned up, then lay down next to Yuu, who was sandwiched between him and Yutaka. 

"Mmm that was good." Yuu managed after a while, his eyes closed. Kouyou only nodded in agreement and turned on his side to look at his lover. He watched as Yutaka wrapped an arm around Yuu from behind and held him close, nuzzling his nose into Yuu's hair. He felt a little left out, but not moments later, Yuu pulled him close and kissed him once again. "I'm drunk and I'm selfish." He murmured against his lips. "Please don't regret this in the morning." He whispered. 

He wanted to assure Yuu that he wasn't selfish, but no words left his mouth. He glanced up only to see Yutaka watching him. The man looked as if he had something to say, but remained quiet.

"If you two ever want to sleep together without me, make sure you have fun and tell me about it." Yuu said sleepily and closed his eyes, snuggling up to Kouyou's chest. Neither of the two responded; Kouyou could still see that blazing fire in Yutaka's eyes, albeit it was slowly dying down. Was it jealousy? Or was it something else?

Kouyou found himself thinking that he wouldn't mind if that happened. Despite his slowly budding feelings for Yuu, he realized he had enough space in his heart and mind for more than one person, whether it was a lover or not.

Yuu had quickly fallen asleep in his arms, so he couldn't move to get the comforter. As if reading his mind, Yutaka got up instead and turned the lights off in the apartment before laying back down and covering all three of them. Luckily, Kouyou's comforter was king size and it easily fit all three under it.

"Thank you." He whispered. A thin moon ray lit up Yutaka's face and he could see a trace of a smile on his lips. 

"You don't need to." Yutaka whispered back. "Takashima-san–"

"Please, call me Kouyou. I think we're way past formalities at this point." Kouyou interrupted softly.

"Kouyou…" he attempted. "Yuu's happiness is important to me. Please don't break his heart."

He was taken by surprise by those words. Break his heart? But Yuu seemed just fine to him, why would he be worried about Kouyou breaking his heart?

"I won't, I promise. But why would I do that?"

"He'll never say this, but he likes you a lot. It's all he talks about and… he's cuddled up to you right now." Was that a hint of sadness and jealousy Kouyou was picking up?

"He's in love with  _ you _ , though." He said softly. "I'm probably just a fling for him and that's okay. I'm okay with being just that for him. He's one of the nicest and kindest people I've ever met." He admitted and let out a silent sigh. 

"He's been like this all his life and many have taken advantage of it. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body, despite his silver tongue." As Yuu shifted, both of them fell silent, making sure he was still asleep. Kouyou reached over to gently touch Yutaka's arm.

"Let's… let's talk about this another time." He said and pulled his hand away soon after. "Let's get some sleep." He said and rested his hand on Yuu's hip. He closed his eyes, but it took him quite a while until he actually fell asleep, slipping into another dreamless slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is one of my favourite chapters that I've written for this story so far. I hope you guys liked it too! I had lots of fun writing the interaction between the three.
> 
> Please let me know what you think down in the comments! :D
> 
> Also, feel free to follow me on twitter @morgan_blk uwu


	8. Blossoming Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I hope everyone's doing well! Just wanted to add a note that I've included some texting in this chapter and I abbreviated the names as follows: K-Kouyou, Y-Yuu, YT-Yutaka.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

The following morning, Kouyou woke up to an empty bed and felt disappointed. Did the previous night even happen or was it just another dream? He felt his heart ache at the thought. Yet another morning when he woke up completely alone in his little world. But– he was shaken from his thoughts by the sound of soft laughter and a delicious smell wafting into the bedroom.

He got up and pulled his boxers back on, followed by the shirt he wore the previous night, then went out into the living room. It had been cleaned of all the empty bottles and the game was nearly put away. As he walked towards the kitchen, he heard Yuu and Yutaka chat. 

"... telling you, he's a black coffee type of guy!" Yuu argued.

"He definitely seems like a coffee and cream type. He's so… nice! And mysterious." Yutaka argued back. Both their voices were hushed as they spoke.

"And you associate mysterious with coffee and cream? Mysterious is definitely espresso." he could hear the sass in Yuu’s voice and Kouyou smiled a little to himself.

The two were so funny in their mild bickering over what type of coffee Kouyou liked, he assumed, that he couldn’t help but smile. He pulled his hair into a half ponytail, some strands framing his face, then walked into the kitchen.

"I'm actually a black coffee, one sugar, two milk type." He was amused as the other two were startled by his sudden presence and they looked a little like deer caught in headlights.

"Good morning!" Yuu grinned after a moment and Yutaka said his ‘good morning’ a little quieter. "I hope you don't mind, we took over your kitchen. Yuta made us French toast." He seemed to be in very good spirits, Kouyou noted.

"Not at all. Can I help with anything?" Kouyou asked. Yuu sauntered over and kissed his cheek. How could a grown man be so adorable was beyond Kouyou. 

"No no, we're almost done. Why don't you go freshen up? You still look sleepy." He said with a lilt in his voice. Kouyou nodded and complied, leaving the kitchen. He heard the two continuing to argue playfully over something else and it warmed his heart.

When he came out of the bathroom,freshly showered and changed, food and coffee was waiting for him on the dining table, where the other two were already sitting at and chatting. 

"This smells amazing." He commented quietly as he sat down, then took a piece of toast to try it. He'd had French toast before, but this was something else! He glanced at the two and noticed they were waiting for his reaction. "It's delicious." He said softly and the other two smiled, Yutaka beaming with joy. Kouyou found him to be even more handsome in natural light.

Kouyou realized that Yutaka hadn't asked him anything about his past, despite knowing a lot about it according to Yuu, and he was grateful for it. But now he wanted to know his perspective as a detective.

"Um… Yuu told me that you had an interest in what… happened to my fiancée." He managed to say, despite his anxiety, once there was a pause in conversation between the two. "And that you think I didn't do it. I'd like to know what made you think that.. Everyone else was convinced it was me, including myself." He saw Yutaka's eyes widen slightly.

"Oh! Well… I was a uniformed officer at the time with not a lot of experience, but something just didn't make sense. By your testimony, you'd gone out that night and couldn't remember anything after leaving the bar. They assumed you had taken some drugs or mixed medication with alcohol that made you black out… There were many theories and nothing really concrete. They couldn’t find any traces of drugs in your system, so that confused the investigators and doctors. What didn't make sense to me was why would you do it before you even found out she was pregnant? It would make more sense if you got angry  _ after  _ you found out, not before, assuming you didn’t want the child. And from what I know, you’re right-handed, so why were you lying on her left side? You couldn’t stab her so precisely with your left.”

Yutaka's explanation made sense to Kouyou and he tried again to remember something,  _ anything  _ about that night.

"This led me to believe that someone else killed her and framed you for it. Unfortunately, when I became a detective and wanted to look at the files, a lot of the evidence had been destroyed and there was no way for me to follow up on leads. So for now, I've reached a dead end. Although I do have my suspicions.”

That was a lot of information to take in. His eyes glossed over as he was deep in thought, playing with his fork absent-mindedly, in an anxious manner. Who could've done it? And was Kouyou drugged that night instead of all the crap about how his medication had a bad reaction with the high amount of alcohol he ingested? But who would want to kill her? And who even had access to their home? Could it be some stalker, or worse, someone close to them? That thought scared him the most.

Snapping back to reality, Kouyou felt overwhelmed by his thoughts and the information he tried to process. He leaned his elbows on the table and covered his face with his hands, closing his eyes. He felt a weird trickling of anger crawling up into his heart and his mind. He had spent ten, almost eleven years in prison for something he didn't do! He wasn't allowed at the funeral nor was he given the chance to see her one last time. He couldn't even grieve her properly as he was shipped to the psychiatric ward due to his breakdown and was put on medication that made his brain feel fuzzy for quite a while. 

Suddenly, he slammed a fist on the table, startling the other two. He was overcome by anger and grief, tears forming and sliding down his cheeks furiously. He wasn't aware of anything around him, too caught up in his powerful emotions to hear his name being called out. When he felt a pair of strong arms gently wrapping around him, he struggled out of them, got up and ran into the bedroom, closing the door shut. He needed to be alone and vent his anger. Never in his life has he felt stronger wrath and Kouyou couldn't contain it anymore. He threw around everything he could get his hands on, ransacking the room for a solid five minutes to release his anger before dropping down to his knees and covering his face again as he sobbed silently, spent from all the energy he used.

The question that kept rolling around in his head was ‘why’: why did she have to die, why did he have to spend ten long years away from his family, why did no one seem to care about him back then? Why was he used as a scapegoat and why did they make him feel like he was losing his mind, like there was something severely wrong with him that needed him to be locked up with his own thoughts? There were too many ‘why’s and no answers to any of them. 

A little while later after he quieted down, he heard footsteps walking into the room. Again, he found himself held from behind in a gentle manner, head leaning on his shoulder. It was comforting and soothing. He then felt another presence sit down next to him and gently place a hand on his arm. 

"I… I'm sorry." Kouyou's words were barely a whisper as his body was drained of all its energy. He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry you had to see this. For over ten years I wasn't given the opportunity to feel anger over her death because it was drilled into me that I did it so much that I believed I did it. And I felt too guilty to grieve for her." He relaxed a little more as he felt a pair of soft lips press to his shoulder.

"I will find who did it, I promise. Even if it takes me another ten years." Yutaka spoke softly.

Yuu was about to pull away, but Kouyou quickly stopped him. He didn't want to be left alone, he hated it. He only fooled himself by thinking he was better off without anyone in his life. He craved human touch and interaction, he craved waking up to hot coffee and delicious breakfast. And he needed to feel. He couldn't continue feeling numb or anxious all the time, or afraid that bad things would happen. He was tired of living in fear of the world and himself.

Yuu shifted so he could properly hug him and Kouyou accepted it. For once in his life, he felt he needed to be protected by someone else. He could feel Yutaka gently rub his back, soothingly, and it was strange how quickly a connection was made between them; it was as if they’d known each other for a very long time. 

"I called in sick and Yuta has the day off. We can stay here for longer if you need or want us to." He spoke gently. Kouyou only nodded, too exhausted to do anything else. "Why don't you lie down and rest for now?" He suggested and Yutaka got up to fix the bed, then helped Kouyou stand. They both helped him lie down on the bed as Kouyou's whole body felt like gelatin from his very taxing outburst.

Kouyou couldn't look at either of them, feeling embarrassed. However, he felt this odd serene peace settle in his heart, almost like the stillness after a force of destruction wreaked havoc on an unsuspecting mind. 

"Please… stay." He whispered pathetically. He was terrified of being left alone, he was scared of maybe falling asleep and then waking up to an empty apartment again.

Yuu sat on the bed and let Kouyou place his head on his lap, closing his eyes. Yutaka sat behind him, working on covering him with a blanket. Yuu's fingers brushing through his hair helped a lot in calming him. He started humming a gentle song and Kouyou allowed his body to absorb the calming energy it emanated. Within moments, Kouyou fell into a deep slumber, exhausted. 

When he woke up several hours later, he was confused and disoriented. It was still bright out, although the light was dulled by his black curtains. He found himself held from both sides: his face was pressed against Yuu's chest who seemed to be asleep, and Yutaka embraced him from behind, fast asleep as well. 

He almost didn't want to admit it to himself, but being there like that felt like home. The couple's gentleness and caring towards him overwhelmed him. But he still found it strange how quickly he opened his heart while Yutaka was there. Kouyou came to trust Yuu over the weeks they'd spent together, but the detective? Maybe it was due to the fact that he felt a connection forming with Yuu, who already had some history with the light brown haired man, that instilled a sense of trust in Kouyou. Or maybe his need for physical comfort outweighed his sense of security.

A gentle pair of lips pressed to his forehead and dispelled his thoughts. "How are you feeling?" Yuu whispered sleepily. Kouyou didn't reply, only gave him a light squeeze. "There's some water here if you're thirsty." He offered, but Kouyou shook his head lightly. "Want to lie here for a little while longer?" Another nod. "Okay. Rest, you need it." With a soft sigh, Kouyou pressed closer. Yuu's cologne has the opposite effect this time, calming his senses instead of awakening them. He realized that he now associated Yuu's scent with the feeling of security and warmth, not just deep lust for the man who helped burn the fire within him.

He felt Yutaka stir behind him, waking up from his nap too. "Yuu?" He whispered. 

"He's awake, but resting." Yuu replied back. When he felt Yutaka about to pull away, Kouyou stopped him just like he stopped Yuu earlier. He allowed himself to be selfish and accept the warmth from both men. When he felt Yutaka press closer instead, he relaxed again. Maybe it was just his foggy mind that told him he needed the additional body against his or maybe it was his heart that wasn't allowed to hold any positive feelings towards others for a very long time without the deep fear of losing them that now gave him the courage to indulge in the tenderness of the moment. Even if it wasn't love, it was a warm, welcoming feeling he was experiencing and needed to cling to it for the sake of his sanity.

***

After his outburst that weekend, Kouyou became quiet and introspective again. It took a huge mental toll on him and drained him of his energy for days. He spent his time mostly in bed and every so often a worried Yuu or even Yutaka called him to make sure he was alright, seeing as he was barely even reading messages in their group chat.

That following weekend, Kouyou declined to hang out with the two. He also declined an invitation from Akira to go out for drinks, twice that week actually. He was very restrained even when he talked to his sister, not wanting her to know what happened and how his mental state changed after his outburst. 

The fiery feelings inside him also subsided, leaving his heart and mind blank yet again and he felt he was on autopilot for that week and even the next one. 

However, Rie insisted he go visit them since it had been well over a month since she last saw him and was worried about him. Even when they were young, Rie always looked out for him, always protected him from their mother whenever he got into mischief, and Kouyou couldn't ask for a better sister. At her continuous insistence, he gave in and accepted to go spend an evening with Rie and her family.

"Uncle Kou! Uncle Kou!" The two tiny humans each clung to a leg, looking up at him with bright smiles, welcoming him into their home as he stepped inside.

"Okay, kids, why don't you go upstairs and get ready for dinner? You can play with your uncle after." Rie gently coaxed them to go prepare. Her smile turned into worry as he looked at him. "Kou… you don't look very well." She spoke gently.

"It's fine. Just some trouble sleeping." Accompanied by nightmares, which he chose not to disclose. There was much insecurity and hurt in his heart and it seeped into his usual dreamless sleep, creating anxiety-filled images and bringing back painful memories.

He knew his sister could see through his lies, but was grateful that she didn't push further. Kaoru was home as well and Kouyou did his best to make conversation with him, even though he wasn't feeling very sociable. 

As the evening progressed, he managed to loosen up a bit and even played with his niece and nephew while chatting with the parents. The more time he spent with them, the more he kicked himself for secluding himself for almost three weeks. The warmth and the energy of his family had a calming effect on him and he felt his level of anxiety die down a little. 

After the kids went to bed, he spent some more time with the adults, having a drink. Maybe it was the alcohol that gave him the incentive to open up, but at least he did.

"I lied when I said things are fine." He spoke quietly when there was a lull in their conversation. He proceeded to tell them about the letters he got and how he became sort of friends with a detective who had been trying to solve his case off duty (of course, he left out the details of  _ how  _ he met Yutaka). He was at his wit's end and didn't know what to do to make the letters stop. Most of them were taken by Yutaka to analyze the day both he and Yuu left his place after his breakdown. Kouyou teared up slightly as he felt frustrated that he was unable to do anything about his situation. When she pulled him into a hug, he reciprocated it, holding her close.

"I'm so angry about all this." Kouyou admitted quietly. "I lost the woman I loved and almost eleven years of my life. Prison was literal hell." He pulled away and rubbed his face, trying to compose himself. 

Both Rie and Kaoru looked worried, but his sister did her best to comfort him. Since he managed to rile himself up, it took a little while longer for the couple to help calm him down again and reassure him that they were there for him. And Kouyou was immensely grateful for it.

It was late in the evening when Kouyou decided to return home, declining the offer to stay over. He was afraid that the nightmares he had would wake the others up. With a hug from each, Kouyou left.

As he walked to the train station, he checked his phone. There were several messages in his group chat with Yuu and Yutaka, mostly memes or jokes. It made him smile a little that his two new friends tried so hard to cheer him up, he really appreciated it. But then he saw the last question from Yuu:  _ how are you feeling? _ How  _ was  _ he feeling? Numb? Anxious? Scared? Terrified of what his future held? 

K: a little better. I'm sorry I've been MIA. 

What else could he even say? That his outburst took too much from him? That he didn't feel he was worthy of their presence in his life? That he had confusing feelings about many things, including the odd relationship he had with Yuu? And possibly Yutaka too.

Y: you're back! I'm so glad! Did you see that meme I sent you a few days ago? Wasn't it hilarious?

YT: it better not be the one where you compared me to a cat!

Y: 🐱

Kouyou's heart felt a little lighter as he read the exchange between the other two and how Yuu teased Yutaka and the latter seemed defeated.

Why did it feel so good to be around them? Why did he feel attracted to both of them, not just Yuu? Why were both so kind to him, so gentle? What did he do to deserve their friendship and care? His mind whirled with similar thoughts, but it didn't feel like a burden, quite the opposite.

YT: oh by the way! Kouyou, I'm in your neighborhood. Mind if I pop by?

K: uh… sure. I can meet you outside in half an hour. Just returning from visiting my sister.

YT: sweet! I'll bring treats! 

K: 👍

Seeing as he was going to have a visitor for the first time in weeks, Kouyou stopped by the store to grab some food and drinks as he had none left at home. Most of his meals ended up being either store bought or take-out, seeing as he knew how to make only a handful of things.

It was a pleasant evening, with a gentle breeze blowing and Kouyou took it all in, his heart and mind settling a little more. As he approached the building, he saw Yutaka waiting for him, holding a bag and playing on his phone.

"Hello." Kouyou said softly, startling the other. But then a dimpled smile beamed at him. There was this youthful, almost innocent aura surrounding Yutaka and it was more evident now when Yuu wasn't around. To Kouyou, Yuu shone the brightest. He bowed his head lightly and Yutaka returned the gesture.

"I'm glad to see you're alright. We were worried about you." Yutaka spoke as he followed Kouyou inside the building.

They were worried? What did he do to deserve their consideration and worry? His oldest friends barely talked to him, why were these two men different? He wanted to ask so badly, but was afraid of the answer he might receive. What if that made them back off or lie to him? Kouyou couldn't take the heartbreak of such an answer.

"I've been…" he trailed off. How had he been? Too wrapped up in his own mind? Too damaged from years of traumatic experiences in prison? Too afraid to reach out and ask for help? 

"You don't need to talk about it." Yutaka said kindly and Kouyou was grateful for his words. It saved him a lot of mental anguish from having to think of a polite reply. “I’m here to cheer you up!” He smiled at Kouyou.

As soon as they approached his apartment, he had this weird feeling that something was off. Then he noticed his door slightly ajar and his heart dropped into his stomach like a sack of rocks. As he was about to reach over and push the door open, Yutaka stepped in front of him, giving him a look that Kouyou deciphered as 'I'll go first'. Somehow, Yutaka's protective gesture made him feel slightly more at ease.

As they opened the door and walked inside, Kouyou felt all his blood drain from his face and he dropped the bag he was carrying. His apartment was completely wrecked: furniture torn apart, books he had displayed were ripped into pieces, his literary prize trophies were all shattered, along with the artwork on the walls. His TV was smashed and the same happened to his gaming console. He felt his eyes brim with tears of fear and shock as he carefully walked inside the apartment and towards the office (the door had been left open, but not by himself; he always kept it closed). Everything in there had the same fate as his living room.

He started panicking and fervently searched for some items he kept to remind him of Naoko… they were gone. Even the framed photo he still kept was destroyed, the photo ripped in two with only Kouyou's side being left behind. He felt like he was being suffocated and had to lean on the massive mahogany desk for some support. Why would anyone do such a thing? Who had access to his home? And why destroy or take anything related to Naoko?

His power left him and he crouched on the floor, overwhelmed.

"Kouyou?" He didn't even hear his name being called out as he started crying silently.

Who was torturing him like this and why? Who had such a grudge against him that they resorted to making his life a living hell? He had served his time for something he didn't even do, surely that was enough! 

When Yutaka held him, he leaned into him and allowed himself to be comforted. He was so lost and broken that he had no will left in him to try and be strong. He couldn't do it anymore. 

"Come on, let's get you out of here." Yutaka's soft voice penetrated his thoughts and the man helped Kouyou to his feet. 

"I can't do this anymore." Kouyou choked out, barely above a whisper. 

"We'll find the person who did this. I'll contact the local precinct and–"

"No. I don't want the police involved. I can't trust them." And yet there he was, trusting Yutaka who was a higher ranking detective in the police force. 

Yutaka nodded. "I won't, then. Come stay at my place tonight. We'll deal with this tomorrow. It's safer if you don't stay here." He wrapped an arm around Kouyou's waist to help support him.

"I… I just need to get some things." He whispered and then finally looked up to his current savior. "Thank you. I… I feel ridiculously helpless." He admitted, looking away from him again. 

"No need to thank me. That's what friends are for." Yutaka said and gently led him out of his office. "Yuu and I will help you get better locks on your door and a security system." Kouyou nodded again, feeling a little reassured. He collected himself as much as he could and left the room. Yutaka followed behind him.

His bedroom was a disaster as well, but he managed to grab a few clothes and essentials and important documents which were thankfully still intact. With one last glance around, they left and Kouyou locked up. How come the lock wasn't broken? Did the person who did it have a key to his place? Or managed to break in without destroying the lock? He had so many questions…

The ride to Yutaka's place was mostly quiet on his end. His friend, on the other hand, chatted with the Uber driver about… actually, Kouyou didn't pay attention to their conversation. He was staring out the window, trying to make sense of everything. Why was he still getting death threats and hate letters? Why did someone trash his apartment? And… was it the same person behind all this who also killed Naoko? 

He could feel a headache coming on and rubbed his temples as he closed his eyes. He had to stop thinking about all that, at least for a short period of time. He needed a distraction from his stressful thoughts. 

As they arrived at Yutaka's place, he noticed the area had a few low rise buildings and houses and the narrow streets were dimly lit. Yutaka lived on the second floor of one of the buildings and as they entered, Kouyou noticed how small his apartment was: it was basically one big room with a partition for where the bed was, the kitchen, living and dining areas were all in one space. The toilet and bath room were the only two separate rooms. He remembered renting a similar place in university. He noticed a couple of gaming consoles and a pretty big stack of games in a corner of the room and a messy stack of folders on the small kotatsu. Some clothes were strewn all over the bed and even around it.

"Sorry for the mess. I haven't had a chance to clean up." Yutaka excused himself and placed the bags with food and alcohol down before he started tidying up a bit.

"Don't worry about it. My place is worse." He tried to joke, but he only ended up hurting his own feelings. He slipped out of his shoes and set his bag down. "Anything I can do to help?" 

"Oh, it's okay! Have a seat for now." Yutaka answered, clearing up some of the clothes and the mess. “Uh… if you can find a space.” Yutaka chuckled softly.

Kouyou nodded and sat on the couch. His phone soon buzzed with a message and he checked who it was.

Y: are you two having fun without me? 😔

His fingers hovered over the keyboard, trying to figure out what to say. He felt ashamed to admit that his place was broken into, it made him feel like a failure.

YT: we ended up coming to my place.

Yutaka had replied while Kouyou was dazed.

Y: but your place is always such a disaster!

YT: hey! It's sort of clean now 😑

K: Yutaka is very hospitable.

He couldn't help but defend Yutaka, at least once. The man was putting him up for the night, so it was the least he could do.

Y: yeah, he probably has only instant ramen and beer 

YT: not true! I also got fancy donuts!

K: and we have some onigiri now too

YT: we do?? See Yuu, we're set for tonight 

Y: man, I wish I wasn't stuck at work tonight. I haven't seen you two in too long!

YT: Kouyou might be spending a few days at my place, so you can stop by if you want 

Y: he is?? Why?

Kouyou hesitated, looking up at Yutaka. 

"I don't want to worry him." He admitted. "I'd rather tell him in person."

"I won't tell him." Yutaka promised.

YT: no reason, I just thought we could hang out some more 

Y: my break is over, I'll message you guys later. Kou, don't let Yuta bully you into playing video games with him! He's ruthless.

That made Kouyou smile a little. And Yuu using a short form of his name made him feel warm inside even if he didn't know why.

"We should eat." Yutaka announced and brought over the food they got after setting down his phone. By this point, there was some space on the kotatsu and the place itself looked a little tidier.

Kouyou wasn't hungry, but he had a feeling Yutaka would hound him into eating, so he picked up a small piece of onigiri and started munching on it. Yutaka grabbed one too and turned on the tv, then sat down next to Kouyou. They ate in silence, the only noise being the news channel. 

It was already so late in the night, but Kouyou wasn't sleepy or tired. If anything, he was still wired from witnessing the disaster that was his place, full of fear and anxiety. He had hoped that at least his life became calmer once he was out of prison hell.

He didn't realize he was fiddling with the plastic wrapper, making it crinkle. Yutaka must've noticed it, because he placed his hand on Kouyou’s to still it, bringing him back to reality. When he looked at Yutaka, he noticed the slight worry in the other's dark eyes. 

"If you need to talk about it, I'm here to listen." He spoke gently. But only one question came to Kouyou's mind.

"Why are you and Yuu so kind to me? I'm practically a stranger and I’m sure being an ex-convict doesn’t help. There surely are some rules for cops and ex cons not to fraternize." There was surprise written on Yutaka's face at his question. And he seemed to be at a loss for words for several moments.

"Yuu likes you. And I trust him." He started softly. "And… you suffered enough injustice and pain."

"So… you're pitying me." He said quietly, feeling disappointed. So it wasn't kindness, but pity.

"No, it's not pity." Yutaka said quickly and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. He seemed to pause for a moment. "You know… we actually met before." Kouyou looked at him in surprise. "You wouldn't remember. It was at a book signing session for 'Rebels'. I got there late and the shop owner said the event was over, but you signed the book for me anyway. You were so kind and we made some small talk, even if I was very nervous and could barely say anything. That moment solidified my belief that you're nothing like what the tabloids said. And when you were convicted, I didn't believe you did it. There was no way someone as nice as you could do something like that.” He paused for a moment. “I guess my point is that a lot of injustice was done to you and all you did was give the world your love in writing and made it a better place." He smiled lightly and Kouyou felt his neck and ears warm up. "Meeting you again solidified my belief that you're a kind and gentle person who's suffered a lot of trauma. And I just have this urge to protect you." 

Kouyou listened to his story, his cheeks turning light pink. He looked down at their hands, silently considering his words. 

"And Yuu… that man has the biggest heart any person could have. It's probably why he chose to become a nurse." He chuckled softly. "It's his silver tongue that will be his downfall someday." Kouyou smiled faintly at his last comment. Yutaka gently lifted his chin and they made eye contact. "We both like you and we both want to protect you. We're your friends. We're on your side." He gently rubbed his thumb over Kouyou's jaw and the latter leaned slightly into the comforting touch, closing his eyes.

"I don't deserve to have you two as friends." He whispered. "I've been forsaken by almost everyone else, it baffles me that you two seek my company." Oh how his heart hurt and his chest constricted, trying to keep his emotions in. But tears still pricked at the outer corners of his eyes. Gentle hands let go of him only to feel strong arms wrap around him protectively and hold him close. He allowed himself to relax in the embrace.

"Don't say that." The soft voice was so close to his ear that it sent shivers down his spine. "I wish you could see what we see in you." Kouyou closed his eyes when he felt Yutaka's plush lips press lightly against his temple. Kouyou hugged back, hiding his face against Yutaka's neck. 

"You're too kind to me." He mumbled, taking in his scent. Compared to the gentle scent of sandalwood and bergamot, Yutaka's fragrance was sharper, fresher, with notes of grapefruit and musk and a hint of mint. It spoke novels of Yutaka's personality, strong, just like a protector should be. Kouyou indulged himself in the moment, unconsciously holding tighter onto him. The arms around him tightened as well and he felt the other rub his back lightly. 

"You can take the bed tonight, I'll sleep on the couch."

No! Kouyou didn't want that!

"We can share. If… if that's okay with you." Kouyou protested quietly. He didn't want to sleep alone, he was afraid. But of course, he couldn't  _ actually  _ say what he wanted.

"I'd like that." Yutaka let go of him and Kouyou saw the light smile on his lips. Would it be wrong to kiss him? As he pondered, he stared at the other's lips without realizing it. They were plump and looked soft and he remembered how they moved against his the first time. His breathing became slightly heavier as his body remembered too. 

His daydream was broken when that same pair of lips he fantasized about pressed gently against his, startling him. It was only for a moment before they parted and Yutaka locked their gazes again. Kouyou couldn't tear his eyes away from those orbs full of life, light and passion. 

Kouyou hesitated for a moment before leaning in and kissing Yutaka, now that he knew he had permission to do so. It quickly turned from soft to passionate and Yutaka held him closer, hand touching wherever they could. Next thing he knew, Yutaka pulled him on his lap and they continued kissing, then freed Kouyou's hair from it's constraint. What was it with Yuu and Yutaka and their love for his long hair?

He shuddered lightly as he felt Yutaka's cool hands slip under his shirt and press against his waist. He could take anything he wanted from Kouyou and the latter wouldn't put up a fight. A part of him wanted to be protected and  _ loved  _ like his two new friends protected him. 

Their clothes were removed on their way to the bed and Yutaka pushed him gently to lie down. Kouyou felt nervous, sensing that Yutaka wanted to be the one to please him. The detective took his time in helping him relax and preparing him, whispering reassurances and generally making him feel as safe and as comfortable as he could be.

It hurt at first, but the gentleness he was treated with turned it into a pleasurable feeling, almost as if a small void in his heart was being filled. Soft moans left both their lips as they moved together, Kouyou clawing at the other's back as he held him close.

It felt amazing, he never thought that this was the kind of pleasure his partners experienced when he pressed inside them. For once, Kouyou allowed someone else to please him and to bring him his much needed release. He found himself comparing Yutaka to Yuu and how different they were in bed and yet… both of them considered his needs too and didn't just selfishly take from him.

But compared to Yuu, Yutaka was much more forceful with his thrusts, pushing deep inside Kouyou and eliciting loud moans from him. As he reached his climax, Kouyou wrapped his arms around Yutaka's shoulders, holding him close. He was pushed over the edge with a few more thrusts and a low grown. He saw bright dancing lights behind his closed lids as he enjoyed his orgasm, letting Yutaka thrust a few more times so he could join Kouyou in his world of bliss.

He was so relaxed, his body felt light with the remnants of his burning climax. Yutaka made quick work to clean him up before he lay down next to him, his strong arm wrapping around Kouyou's waist. 

"Feeling a little better?" The low, husky voice spoke close to his ear. Kouyou could only nod, still a little out of breath.

"I never knew this could feel so good. You're the first person to…" he trailed off, his face turning bright pink as he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"I am?" He could sense a mildly surprised tone in his voice. "It's my honor, then." Kouyou chuckled softly at that and opened his eyes to look at him. "You know… you're so handsome. It's so hard to resist you." Yutaka continued and Kouyou felt his cheeks burn even more. "No, don't give me that look, you're too cute when you do it." The man grinned. And what a sweet smile he had…

But then his attention was grabbed by hearing his name on TV. He lifted his head to see what they were talking about. 

"... -shima Kouyou, the famous writer who killed his pregnant fiancée over ten years ago, was spotted in Shibuya." A few candid shots of him walking into the bar he met Yuu in were displayed. Why would they talk about it now? Why not as soon as those photos were taken? "He was recently released from prison and is–" the screen went dark. He then noticed that Yutaka had turned it off.

"Don't listen to that nonsense." Yutaka propped himself up on his arm, looking down at Kouyou. "The less you pay attention, the easier your life will be." He said softly and placed his palm on Kouyou's chest. 

Kouyou nodded and lay back down, his mind running a mile a minute again. Now that a recent photo of him had been shown on TV, he was afraid others would recognize him easier. He knew he had to change his appearance.

He didn't even realize he was fidgeting with the hem of the blanket Yutaka covered them both with. The latter stopped his fidgeting like earlier, by placing his hand over his, which made Kouyou look at him. 

"I know you're feeling anxious and that's okay. But I hope you know that you're safe here. I won't let anyone hurt you and that's a promise." His words were gentle, but Kouyou felt uncertain. 

"I'm… I'm afraid harm will come to you two. I already lost two people I cared about. Naoko and… someone I met in prison, a close friend. Both of them died. If anything were to happen to you and Yuu..." he trailed off, too afraid to say it. He would probably do something self destructive, possibly even… take his own life. He couldn't handle more guilt and hurt feelings.

"Nothing will happen to us, I promise." He said softly and pecked Kouyou's lips. "Why don't you try and get some sleep? You've had a long day." Kouyou nodded and shifted into a more comfortable position. Yutaka turned off the light and lay back down, holding Kouyou close as he soon fell into a deep slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to get pretty spicy, eh? Let me know what you think down in the comments! :D


	9. Forming Connections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Sorry I'm posting this so late, I had some things come up for me and wasn't able to do it on schedule. I want to think this chapter is lighter, in a way, and I hope you guys enjoy it! :D

_ A warm summer breeze, the scent of field flowers in the air… a small and soft hand perfectly fitting his and oh, that gentle touch… _

_ Kouyou looked up to see the woman he loved leading him into a golden field as light, crystal-like laughter surrounded him. He realized he was smiling widely as he followed along with the beautiful force of nature that stole his heart. _

_ Deeper, deeper into the field, away from any sign of civilization.  _

_ She turned around and his breath was taken as he gazed upon the angelic being in front of him.  _

_ They stopped. She stepped closer on her tiptoes to reach him, smiling an incandescent smile. _

_ A kiss, warm as the spring sun and a feeling like a blazing fire inside him. What bliss… _

_ And yet his fingers felt something damp. He pulled away. _

_ Two pairs of eyes gazed at him, wide in shock. _

_ Crimson. _

_ Too much crimson. _

_ A knife. _

_ Underneath them, a bottomless abyss. _

_ Falling…  _

_ Falling…  _

_ Falling…  _

**_Gone_ ** _. _

Kouyou woke up with a start, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily, disoriented. He pressed his palms against his eyes for a few moments, trying to ground himself. He looked around once his heart calmed down a little and realized he was in an unknown place– no, not unknown. He had spent the night at Yutaka's, after his home was invaded. He was safe now.

Kouyou took a few moments to fully wake up, then glanced at the clock. It was almost noon. How long was he asleep for? Yutaka was nowhere to be seen or heard, how come Kouyou didn't hear him leave? Why didn't Yutaka wake him up? 

He took a deep breath. The dream– nightmare, actually–shook him to his core as it had been a while since he dreamt of Naoko. And having one of his favourite memories sullied like that was upsetting. The scenery in his nightmare was the same one from when he proposed to her, in a golden field of flowers, on a warm summer day. It was one of the happiest days of his life…

He tried to keep his tears and anxiety at bay as he got up, noticing he was naked and that his lower half felt a little sore.  _ Ah, right _ . He'd slept with Yutaka the night before. He had mixed feelings about it and not because he didn't enjoy it, but because he thought he was attracted to Yuu more… was he also attracted to Yutaka? He was gentle enough, but the force of his thrusts was something else (not unwelcome). He couldn't help but compare the two in their nightly activities.

Shaking his head, he looked around and noticed a note on the coffee table. He walked over in his naked glory and read it.

_ Kouyou, _

_ Sorry I didn't wake you up, you seemed to be deeply asleep and I didn't want to bother you. I had to leave for work. I left two towels for you next to this note so you can shower. You won't be able to reach me today, but if you need anything, feel free to message Yuu , he has keys to my place. There's some food left in the fridge for when you're hungry and the coffee is in the cupboard above the sink.  _

_ Yutaka _

He set the note down and grabbed the towels, deciding to shower first. The hot water managed to wash off not only the sticky mess but also some of the heavy feeling in his chest. It was all becoming too much and had it not been for his two new friends (lovers too?), he probably would've lost his mind already. 

What an odd situation it was with the two. Kouyou had never experienced a friends-with-benefits type of situation before, let alone with two people  _ and  _ men on top of that. He wasn't complaining, he welcomed the attention and care both gave him. But it felt surreal to be offered such positive feelings by strangers– no, not strangers, not anymore. It was hard for him to fully accept that being vulnerable was okay, especially with the two. Their gentle touches and warm kisses gave him something to hold onto, a little bit of light in this dreary world.

He was thankful. Thankful that he wasn't alone, thankful that he had someone to reach out to for comfort… but should he? Was he imposing on the two men? What if they got tired of him, what then? 

With a sigh, he stepped out of the shower and dried himself off, then wrapped his wet hair into the second towel. He saw Yutaka's cologne bottle and picked it up, wondering if it was ok for him to use it. He associated the scent with comfort and safety, just like Yuu's gentle sandalwood and bergamot fragrance. Would it be wrong to use it? Regardless, he sprayed some of it on his wrist, just to have it present. It helped ease his anxiety as he sensed it while getting dressed, then sat down to towel dry his hair. 

He looked around the small apartment. The clutter was not helping with how he was feeling, so he thought that cleaning up the place a little would also help Yutaka. He pulled his hair up in a bun and started cleaning, moving most of the clothes to a corner he assumed was for laundry, then started organizing the games and consoles first, placing them all neatly on the shelves underneath the mounted TV. He then scooted over and arranged some of the books that were strewn about, when he noticed a plain brown folder. His curiosity was piqued, so he opened it, only to be met by…

"This is my file." He said to himself in surprise. There were so many notes, so many theories, and dead ends, comments written in a tiny font on the side, some in red. Photos… photos of the crime scene. Question marks littered here and there, on reports and photos. Names circled and some crossed out. It was a very detailed and messy report, most likely from all the investigative work Yutaka had done over the years. Something inside him was moved by the detective's perseverance in finding out the truth. Did Yutaka choose to do all this work solely based on one interaction from fourteen years prior? How naive could Yutaka be to put so much faith in a man like Kouyou, someone he didn't even know? What if it turned out he  _ was _ what the world saw him as?

Regardless, Kouyou was grateful for all the work he did. Just knowing someone out there cared enough to try and find the truth made him feel less alone. It felt somewhat comforting and a sliver of his faith had been restored.

He decided to store the file away and not read everything, despite his whole being telling him to try and find whatever hints he could so he could figure out the murderer's identity. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a shuddering breath as he tried not to let the gruesome images he'd seen affect him, then put the file away.

He continued cleaning and tidying up, deep in thought. Within about two hours, the place looked much better and even smelled better. He even did the laundry. Kouyou had no issues doing it since he was so used to washing even dirtier clothing, some even caked with mud and blood and other bodily fluids. It was the least he could do to repay his host for having him over, possibly inconveniencing him with his presence. After he was done, he finally grabbed something to eat and turned on the tv, carefully avoiding the news. He didn't want to know what the media was saying about him, he preferred to live in ignorant bliss.

Since he didn't have keys to lock up if he went outside, Kouyou decided to set up one of the consoles and play. It ended up being a good decision as it took his mind off, well… everything. And Yutaka seemed to have a decent game collection, so why not take advantage of it?

He spent most of the day playing games, then took a break and perused his book collection instead. It was small, but Yutaka had surprisingly similar tastes to him. He even found the signed book he talked about and it looked well-loved. It made him smile a little. He pulled it out and leafed through its pages. Tiny notes were scribbled on the sides that made him chuckle. Yutaka kept surprising him with his silliness and even earnestness. Such a young and beautiful soul…

He set the book down and picked up another one he hadn't read (he read most of the ones Yutaka owned, to his surprise) then settled on the couch. He realized he used to know the author of the book who was a really sweet woman, but he hadn't read that particular book.

Kouyou didn't know when he fell asleep, but he was woken up by a gentle shake. He blinked his eyes several times to focus his gaze on a certain dark-haired beauty, mildly startled by his presence.

"Yuu?" What was he– oh, right. Yutaka mentioned Yuu had keys to his place.

"Hey. I thought I'd stop by and check on you." His smile was soft and his eyes were softer as he looked at Kouyou. He then sat on the edge of the couch, still looking at him as Kouyou sat up, rubbing his eyes. 

"I fell asleep reading." He said quietly, feeling tired. "What time is it?"

"It's about four in the afternoon. How are you feeling? I haven't seen you in weeks and I was worried." What a kind soul to worry about him…

Kouyou shrugged. "I'm…" he sighed. "I don't know. I'm exhausted." He was pulled into a hug which he didn't protest. Yuu smelled so good… 

"My… my apartment was broken into." Kouyou continued quietly. "Yutaka was there with me and offered for me to stay here for a few days." Warm arms loosened around him as Yuu looked at him in shock.

" _ What!  _ Are you okay?" He asked softly and Kouyou nodded.

"Yeah… but everything was destroyed." He didn't care about the things that could be replaced, it was the ones that couldn't that he was upset about.

"I'm so sorry." Yuu's voice was soft. "What can I do to make you feel better?"

"There's nothing, really. I'm tired of everything. I sometimes wonder if I was better off in that hell. The outside world is so confusing to me now. So many things have changed and everything feels foreign. None of my old friends even tried to reach out, my best friend hates me and the other is always busy and I don't see him often. And I'm having a hard time connecting with my sister's family. All the keepsakes I had from Naoko are destroyed or missing. I don't have a job and I don't have the will to write. I'm seen as a menace and if I'm recognized, people avoid me or point at me and whisper. I'm sick of it. I don't want to deal with it anymore." It was probably the most he'd said around Yuu and of course it had to be him complaining. He should be grateful to be free and alive, why was he complaining? 

His tears started falling silently down his face despite how hard he tried to hold them in. He was mentally and emotionally tired, he couldn't do it anymore, he didn't… he didn't want to live anymore. He would trade his life for Naoko's in a heartbeat. He wanted the torture to end.

Kouyou looked up at Yuu pitifully as the other wiped his tears away. He felt embarrassed to be so vulnerable in front of him and so… lost. Despite all the bad things, Yuu was the little piece of hope he was holding onto.

"I can't even imagine what you're going through. Yutaka and I are here for you if you'll have us. I've known you for… a couple of months now and I can say that you're one of the sweetest and kindest people I know. I wish I could make that fear and anxiety go away for you, you don't deserve that." Kouyou closed his eyes as he felt soft lips press to his forehead.

"I… I still don't understand why you and he are so kind to me. What was it that made you want to hang out with me so often? You could've patched me up and kicked me out after we slept together that first time. But… you're still here."

Yuu cupped his face with his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. "You don't see it, but you have this pull on me. And Yutaka. I can't explain it, but I can't help but feel this desire to protect you and make you smile. There's a beautiful soul inside you shrouded in trauma and pain that needs to come out. The world needs more people like you." 

Kouyou was at a loss for words. Yuu seemed to think so highly of him, but wasn't it all just an illusion? He was silent for a long time, his eyes downcast, unable to meet Yuu's gaze.

"Why don't I make you some tea to help you relax? I can stay for a little bit before I have to go to work. Yuta should be back in a few hours too." Yuu offered, gently caressing his cheeks with his thumbs. He was so handsome up close… he leaned in and pressed a light kiss to his lips, his newfound place of solace.

"Thank you. For everything. I know it's not easy to be around me." He murmured against Yuu's lips.

"What are you talking about? You're so easy to lo– to like." Yuu smiled and hugged him tightly for a few moments. "Now, let's cheer you up. And tomorrow I'll help you deal with the insurance company and have them cover the damages. And we'll get you a security system too and a better lock." He promised and Kouyou only nodded. Yuu then pulled away and went to heat up some water.

Kouyou pulled his legs up and hugged them to his chest as he watched Yuu find his way around the place easily. He then suddenly turned to Kouyou with an uncertain and mildly confused expression.

"... did you clean his apartment?" He asked with a suspicious look. "He's so messy usually and I doubt he's the one who actually cleaned." Kouyou blushed a little and gave him a nod, looking away. He shouldn't have done it, should he? He most definitely overstepped the line and now Yutaka was probably going to be mad at him for touching his things.

"I… needed something to do." He admitted quietly. "And I also wanted to repay his kindness." He glanced over at Yuu who had the softest look on his face, accompanied by a smile.

"He'll appreciate it. It'll definitely be a surprise." He chuckled and prepared a cup of lavender and chamomile tea, bringing it over and sitting down again. "You know… you're so cute when you sleep. So serene." Kouyou looked at him and it seemed that Yuu was trying to hold in a grin.

Kouyou looked away, blushing in mild embarrassment. "I'm not cute." How was he, a thirty-five year old man, cute? Yuu laughed, most definitely at his reaction. 

"Nonsense! You're the cutest!" Another soft laugh as arms wrapped around him and a pair of lips pressed against his cheek. It made Kouyou blush a little more, but he had to admit he thoroughly enjoyed the moment. 

How were they both men in their thirties acting like schoolgirls was beyond him. He blamed it on Yuu's carefree disposition and positive outlook on life. Not to mention his gentle kisses and warm hugs.

As they goofed around (well, Yuu teased him some more), the door opened and Yutaka walked inside. He didn't say anything until he stepped into the living space and saw Yuu pinching Kouyou's cheeks, the latter already a tomato red shade. 

"What are you doing to the poor man, Yuu?" He laughed softly and got both their attention.

"He's being a bully." Kouyou said with pursed lips, trying to hold a smile in. Yuu's childish behavior improved his mood just enough to feel like he could tease him back. The man was his angel in disguise.

"Hey! No I wasn't!" Yuu protested and gave Kouyou a light shove, laughing softly.

"Alright, children, behave." Yutaka laughed at them, taking his jacket off. "I brought food if you guys are hungry." He said and set down a bag with what was probably take-out. 

"I actually have to go." Yuu said and stood up. "Oh, I was thinking. I have a few upcoming days off. We should all go on a trip somewhere." He suggested, looking at the two.

"That sounds like a great idea! I can probably take a few days off too." Yutaka said with a grin.

"I uh… I can't leave the prefecture yet, so I can only go to local places." Kouyou admitted quietly, feeling a little ashamed.

"Oh, that's okay! We can go to an onsen outside the city and relax for a few days. I've been working too much and my whole body aches." Yuu said with a grin.

"Let me pay for it." Kouyou offered, looking up at them who seemed surprised.

"No, we can't accept that." Yuu declined.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. We can manage." Yutaka smiled assuringly. 

"I insist. You two have helped me more than you know. Think of it as my gift to you both for your friendship and care." Kouyou said earnestly, looking at each of them in turn. "Please."

The two men fell silent for a few long moments, looking at each other. They seemed uncomfortable with Kouyou's offer, which made him feel a little rejected. 

"Think of it as a well deserved, all expenses paid trip for all your hard work." Kouyou added.

"But… that's a lot of money. We can't ask you to do that." Yutaka intervened.

"You're not asking, I'm offering." Kouyou said. What could he say to convince them? What would work? Maybe… "Then… I won't go." He shrugged, feeling a little bad for guilting them like that.

"No! You have to come! Yuta, tell him!" Yuu looked alarmed, which was pretty amusing. That only made Yutaka sigh.

"We accept on one condition." Yutaka said and Yuu looked like he was going to protest. "You let me, us, help you secure your apartment. And I want to get the local police involved to investigate. For your safety." Kouyou was surprised to see the serious look on that handsome face. "You need to trust me. I understand why you don't want police involved, but… I'm a cop and you're someone I care about. I won't let you get hurt by others, other cops included." 

Yutaka was so…  _ so attractive,  _ looking as serious as he did. There was this raw strength in his eyes that pulled Kouyou in and this… energy he radiated. It felt nothing like the previous night, when he was soft and gentle with him. And they'd be sharing the bed again that night… Kouyou was probably in trouble.

After swallowing the thoughts he was starting to have about the other, Kouyou nodded. "Deal. But I'd like to make the arrangements. I… have nothing else better to do anyway." He said, a little embarrassed.

"Okay. We can make detailed plans later. I have to go." Yuu said and stood up. "I'll text you on my break." He smiled at Kouyou and bowed slightly.

Kouyou nodded and watched Yutaka lead him out. The two seemed to have a hushed conversation before the door closed behind Yuu. 

For some reason, he felt a little awkward now that Yuu left. After seeing Yutaka in a different light, he felt a little… nervous? And a little excited too. He watched his host as he grabbed two beers and sat down next to him, handing one to Kouyou. 

"Tough day?" Kouyou asked softly as he opened it. 

"Yeah… I finally closed a case I've been working on for months. The guy was sentenced to twenty years." Yutaka frowned lightly. Kouyou got the impression that the detective wasn't satisfied with the outcome. "He killed five women in cold blood and he only got twenty." He watched Yutaka down almost half his beer.

Kouyou fell silent as it struck a little too close to home. Maybe sleeping with and being friends with a cop wasn't a great idea after all… and yet, he couldn't take his eyes off Yutaka's handsome, frowning face. He didn't say anything, drinking his beer quietly.

The silence was deafening as neither of them spoke for a while, Kouyou lost in his thoughts and Yutaka possibly the same. Kouyou thought that his host was much chattier than currently as that's how he was in their limited encounters and over their group chat. But maybe Yutaka was like that only around more than one person? He watched the side of his face as he tried to figure him out.

However, he was startled when Yutaka looked back at him with an inquisitive look. Slightly flustered, Kouyou looked away. He busied himself with drinking, almost downing the liquid as he felt Yutaka watching him. 

"How did your day go?" Yutaka asked and Kouyou glanced at him before shrugging.

"Alright. I read some, played some games, um… I cleaned a little too." He admitted without looking at him.

"You did?" Yutaka asked, surprised, and looked around. "I didn't even notice, I'm sorry. But thank you! I appreciate it." He smiled.

"It's nothing, don't worry. My main job was cleaning and laundry, so I didn't mind doing it for you." He smiled a little at Yutaka.

"How… how is life in there?" Yutaka shifted on the couch to face him. It made Kouyou hesitate and wonder if he should talk about it. But… why not?

"It's… very bleak. We were treated not much better than dogs. The food was barely edible and we weren't allowed anything from outside. There are so many people in there who didn't deserve their sentences and some who should rot for three lifetimes. There wasn't much to do, so many were bored and would start fights. Sometimes even the guards got involved and people would end up in the infirmary. It happened to me too, even though I had nothing to do with the situation." He lowered his gaze as he played with the empty bottle. "It was hard." He whispered. He glanced at the hand that was placed on his thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You mentioned you had a friend in there?" Yutaka asked softly. Kouyou nodded.

"Hiro. He was charged with possession and distribution of drugs, but he told me he was just a user and that's it. He… he was more than just a friend." He admitted, his face heating up slightly. "I… he meant more to me than that. He was killed mere months before he was set to be released." He sighed quietly and slumped a little more. He then realized that he hadn't even gone to visit Naoko at her resting place and guilt washed over him. Maybe it was just fear that kept him from doing it or even remorse, he didn't know.

The bottle was taken away from him and placed on the coffee table and Kouyou looked up at Yutaka, who had a strange look on his face as he gently gripped his hand.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I've heard only bad things about the living conditions there. I'm glad you survived it." His voice was soft as he spoke.

"I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. It affects you not only physically, but mentally too. My anxiety grew and my physical strength decreased, no matter how hard I tried to keep it up. And…"  _ and the guilt _ that never left his mind. He looked down at their hands: Yutaka had entwined their fingers and was rubbing his thumb over Kouyou's hand, which was soothing and it was also making his heart flutter a little.

"You need to start looking to the future now and leave the past behind. I'm here if or when you need me to be. It… it hurts to see you suffer like this by yourself." Why did Yutaka care so much? They'd known each other for a very short time, how could he come to care about him so quickly?

Although… it was almost as fast of a connection with Hiro when they met and the latter just took a liking to him almost right away. He kept pestering Kouyou until they became friends and then more. What was it about himself that attracted people so easily in his life?

"I appreciate it. Thank you." He said softly. 

"Why don't we play a game to lift your spirits a little?" Yutaka offered and Kouyou looked at him again. The man's smile was so kind that it helped ease his own anxiety. He nodded lightly, feeling mildly disappointed when Yutaka let go of his hand.

The two set up the console and Yutaka showed him how to play one of his favourite games. The atmosphere was pretty relaxed and Kouyou did end up feeling a little better, especially since Yutaka kept making jokes and puns that made Kouyou chuckle. His day ended on a much milder note than it had started and his own heart felt lighter after being comforted by Yutaka and Yuu. Too bad the latter couldn't stay and hang out with them…

The rest of the evening went by surprisingly fast and Yutaka soon had to go to bed. Kouyou ended up staying up a bit longer before passing out on the couch.


End file.
